Rare rare rare update

Hate

1. Sugar coatedness. You know. When people seem so sweet and you get along with them fine. And then they crack and they turn out to be asses.
2. Clinginess. You have have have to have only them as a friend and no one else. If you hang out with someone else, it's automatically betrayal.
3. Blind of blindness. When they can't accept the fact that they have a part in the blame game and are so convinced that they are 100% right and you're 100% wrong.
4. Self-crowning. They'll think that if you're not with them, you're practically miserable because they believe they're such better friends than anyone else and people who aren't them are just fake and will make your life hell. They'll also put down any of your friends who they personally hate.
5. Failure guilt tripping. When people think they're so good at guilt tripping and will tell you outrageous stories so you can feel sorry for them.

Love

1. Pot of honey. A bright shell on the outside and a rich heart inside so that you can have fun and be able to have deep, serious convos.
2. Rubber ball. They will have a set opinion about something that makes them who they are but they'll be able to bounce around and see other people's points of views about different situations.
3. Devilish angel. They know their boundaries but will do crazy stuff and dares with you.
4. Rubber band. You can be super close but they'll give you periods of time where you have space with them so friendship doesn't get old.
5. Guardian angel. My best friend Emily found out I was in trouble and without me even asking and without even telling me, she prayed for me constantly for a week. She was mourning with me and I hadn't heard from her in a couple of days so I thought that my situation scared her away. Then later, she showered me with little messages to hold strong and I asked her if I had scared her away at any point. That's when she told me that she didn't want to say something that she would regret to me and so that's why she waited a while. Then, Emily told me, "What kind of shallow friend do you think I am? I will always stick by you forever, especially through tough times like these."

I spent the entire day with my MYS pallies and I realized there were so many lovable personalities in the group. A lot of them, I've known for such a short time and even they treat me better than some of the "friends" I've had in the past. Even the guys who I've known for only a month outshine any crush and hottie of my life. When I got home, I realized how lucky I was to have finally found a group of people who are 97% genuine and are truly there for me. They don't hesitate to thank me for being their friend and I don't either. I feel so happy around them because we say things we really mean and we don't hold it back. I lost count of how many times I was told "I love you!" by them and how many times I told them, each time, really meaning it too. We never throw those three words around.

But it's not the people I hate. It's the personality. People change and personalities don't. I know I can be a bitch, but I don't hate myself (even though I keep thinking it).

Emily wrote to me (I love quoting her, she says the most fabby stuff), "You know what I just realized? We both have changed a TON since last year when we first became friends. That's really weird how different we are and how cool our friendship is. I'm so glad we are buds." She's right. I can't believe how different she is from last year. I can't believe how different I am from last year. And the best part is, we are aware of these changes, amused by them, and not afraid of them.

I'm such a crazy idiot now and I'm loving it. I love going manhunting and smiling at man candies at the mall. I talk to random people and friends of friends who I don't know. I love to coordinate events like the Secret Santa at MYS the pallies had. I love talking on the phone. I email 24/7. I <3 texting. I am obsessed with window shopping. I don't like to blog all that much anymore or more like, at all, since this is the first entry in a long long time. I love dressing up! I don't slouch in my chair anymore and I don't always look like I'm moping. I'm happy 90% of the time I'm out of the house. I don't feel like I need a guy to make my life better and the guy I like now treats me like a real friend and I don't unhealthily obsess over him. If something pisses me off, I don't try to push it aside. I point it out and fix it. I see the weaknesses in people as well as the strengths. I have stopped trying to just see good in people because in denying the bad halves of them, I'm not accepting the whole that they are.

I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky that when I got home, I immediately felt alone without my pallies around me. Happy holiday season. I hope each one of you are/will be lucky to find a whole mass of people who love you just as much as you love them. Thanks to those of you who have stuck by me when my family didn't. Thanks for your words of encouragement. Thanks for a shoulder to cry on. May the year 2007 be 2007 times better than 2006.

There's a ton going on. I absolutely love having my life filled with stuff though because I feel normal again!

MYS is definitely two thumbs up for the incredibly intimidating Claudette and Manny Laureano. Can't forget about the fabulous Gaggle of Girls :)
I love my new church that I've been attending. It's really structured and carefree at the same time unlike my old church which always made me feel like I was worthless.

Bad news comes in here. Friday, I found out that my grandfather has stopped breathing and he's in the hospital now. My mother left Saturday morning. That makes me feel sad because it means that I won't be there to see my grandpa one last time and I'm not allowed to go for his funeral because of the cost of an airplane ticket, but then it makes me happy because without my mother, I feel really happy and human.

More bad stuff on the same day of my mother's departure. So I was driving to Zhara's (her sweet sixteen) and it took an hour to get there plus thirty minutes because I got lost on the island. As a result, I missed the yacht and had to drive back but I called Zhara through Tracy's cell and said happy birthday. I wasted a half tank of gas but I went shopping afterwards and talked to a good "old church" friend, Jen, on my cell for a couple of hours. She and I use up our weekend minutes just hanging onto our cells and mostly not saying anything. It sounds stupid but I think it's really cool that we can communicate in silence like that. Plus, it's free. She cheered me up and even made her bf hang on so I could keep talking to her.

Well, I tried 3+ different things on Friday after school. Very proud of myself. I talked to my brother about it and he was definitely there for me and it was quite a shocker to hear him really really understand my situation. Chris was totally cool about things and right now, he's visiting his gf Lindsay, who I think is the best one yet for him. I'm really sure that she's the one for him. But then, you never know about the future.

Hung out a bit with David and Tracy after school on Friday. It was a different experience. They understood though and even found it funny. I went back to school afterwards and talked to Moni for a bit and she's the one who convinced me to go to Zhara's. Well, since I missed it, I could make up the partying by going to Sophia's this week so no need to linger about feeling sorry for myself. One thing that Jen taught me (the Jen from my "old church") was that it's completely pointless to keep feeling bummed out about something. Usually, she just lets herself feel bad for a few minutes and then turns her mind to something exciting coming up. I've been doing the same and it's such a divine solution.

I'm dying my hair right now and step two is done so now I have to go add warm water and massage the coloring in my hair. Thank you Revlon!

Cheers.

A couple of days ago, I gave up. Sometimes giving up is a good thing and in this case, it was the best thing that I would ever do. I'm not upset at all. Well... maybe a little sad. The thing never made me angry or sad, but I was afraid that I would become completely blind if I kept holding on. I love the life I'm living now. I don't want to keep it all in a horizontal line. I want to have my ups and downs in life. I want continuous change because it makes me more and more into the person I'm supposed to be. Right now, I have hope beyond the world and happiness like a flaming bush.

My laptop is amazing, which makes me feel horrible. But you have to do what needs to be done.

School in a few days. Something that I'm going to hate.

With music gone from my life, I really want to quit that music sem thing and orchestra. I don't want anything to do with music now. Well, okay. Just violin. It's really too bad because my closest friends were all praying for me and I really let them down. No, it wasn't a selfish prayer like, "Please let me get in." That is not a prayer. It was more, "Father, if this is a path I need to take, please help me make the right turn." Well, I guess it isn't a path in my life at all. But something will be coming up. Violin or not, I'm going to look on the bright side of things. I'll take time to feel completely shameful and embarassed, yes. But in a week, I'm going to be able to look at this and say with a laugh, "I'm so over all of that."

Well, piano is still a high point in my life. This is the year for the last stage of the MMTA contest. The Young Artist Competition. Ah, Lynn. Don't you know it well already? I hope this year, I'll see my eight star. Then, piano is over.

I used to wonder when it would be that I could finally quit both violin and piano. Now, it's already halfway over. I'm not feeling as pleased as I thought I would feel, but it's probably because I know that high school is nearly up and I'm going to be out soon. What I've dreamed of for too too too long.

Okay, so, Amazon messed up and they never sent out the Smallville discs. How sad sad sad. They gave me a five dollar gift certificate "for the inconvenience" and that was two days ago. I keep checking the tracking, but they still haven't sent them out yet. Load of idiots. Oh, they try.

I was having a chat with my friend. She now has her dream boyfriend. For a while actually. Of course, I find him the complete opposite as dreamy, but we have reached the obvious agreement that whatever I would think is dreamy would not be the same as whatever she would think is dreamy. We also both agree that love is way too difficult to spot most of the time. Especially in her relationship. They adore each other in every single way. They come to disagreements and talk it out. They share things with each other and teach each other new things. They're comfortable in each others arms and trust each other in distance. They had to spend the past several weeks separated (one on the West Coast). But even, with all that and so much more (such as the most adoring way they look at each other, which they didn't know I could see until I told her today), she doesn't know if there is that intimate kind of love. She had been praying to God for a sign to show her whether or not he was the one. I stopped to think about it and then asked, "How could God answer that one?"

Quite a job for the fellow above.

We talked about getting older and getting married.

"Are you getting married?" she asked me. The usual, immediate answer would be, "Yes, of course." But she knows me better than that. I couldn't say "of course" because I replied, "Well, only if there's my type of guy."

She's not one to leave it just at that. "What's your type of guy?"

Good question. I gave her what I thought would be my type of guy.

"He'd help me every step of the way and I would do the same for him without a question."
"He might be guyish, but when he talks to me, he would tell me how he feels/felt about something."
"He would be able to come up to me and talk to me about my mistakes. Also the other way around."
"He is really funny, but I can have serious talks with him too. He'd know when to switch from one to the other."
"He'd do crazy, super weird stuff with me." (I was thinking about how I wore the pink bunny ears with Emily to MYS the weekend of Easter and thought that it'd be cool if a guy would do it with enough persuasion.)
"I could be perfectly safe with him nearby and trust him from far away."
"We'd be able to sit together in front of the Christmas tree every year and just think in silence about everything." (I don't know how I thought of that. It just sprang up.)
"He'd be outgoing because I like having a lot of friends around. But then, there has to be that part of him that likes to be alone since I also like to be alone."
"We would teach each other different things. Just anything."

But then I said that it was all too good to be true.

But she told me that she thought that it wasn't. (I silently disagreed with her.)

Then I thought of more after our conversation ended.
If I broke into song, he'd join in if he knew the lyrics.
He'd know how to handle me after a "situation" with my mother.
We can disagree on things.
We wouldn't have to tell everything to each other because sometimes, we all need our own little secrets and thoughts.

Still too good to be true?
Most definitely.
What did I decide?
No way am I getting married. All this "your type, my type" business is just too complicated. No thanks. I like life simple.

I'll just jot down the new stuff.

-Smallville discs come today. I want them now though. UPS should hurry up.
-My laptop completely broke down. I hate to say that I'm getting a new one.
-Laptops are such a waste of money unless used correctly by watching DVDs and listening to music on them.
-My mother is officially the official... dang it. I can't swear anymore.
-I am feeling sick.

Good luck Lynn, once again!
I haven't talked to Em yet, but the Gaggle will be in. I hope. Okay, I can't just hope. Let's assume for now.
And I think we should try to do something every Saturday as the Gaggle haha. If you think about it, we only get to see each other a month and a half out of a whole year. Did you know that Isabel girl who played 2nd violin last year in Rep also takes from Cindy? I didn't know that until this past Tuesday. She's taken from her for a year now! I bet soon, half of MYS violins will be taking from Cindy. So far it's Lauren, Minna, Emily, you, me, Artie (or is it Arie? Arde?), Isabel, those two guys who're already in Symphony (or did that blond one graduate?). There was that other one too. Is that Tim kid in MYS?

Okie, I'm going to do some violin now.

Er..., I don't have much time because over the summer, I developed a new OCD habit. If I don't fall asleep before my clock hits 12:00, I haven't started the day right. I know, but whatev.

Ok, new stuff...

-Still have total nightmares and dreams about the Boy Blue. Emily's planning to help me get over it completely. Hopefully I'll realize that there's someone even more divine out there. -Smallville DVDs on their way to me me me! I love Smallville. Love love love it it it. -Okay, not so much a Hilary Duff fan anymore but I absolutely had to rent "The Perfect Man" and although I've watched quite a few episodes of "Living w/ Fran" over the summer, the movie definitely made me notice Ben Feldman. Unfortunately, he has no fan sites. Well, there's a site that he has but it's not the greatest. -Alright, so do not want a dog anymore. Well, not until I graduate er... everything. And it has to be a medium to big size dog, okie? Yeah yeah, small ones are so adorable, but I need more brain space in a dog. I've learned that the hard way this summer. Ish.

My latest diary btw, is number 11: Angestjuner Michinyre. Named after four good buds. I kinda smushed all their names together. Angie was quite proud. Ah Angie, as she would say, "Ah, sooh fahny..."

Uh, idk if I mentioned it in the previous entry, but I'm on a job search. Not doing so great, but w/e, it's just something to do and to get the $$ I really really really would like to have.

Okay, so here are two pals from Yucatan. Putting it behind the cut.

( Bad picture of Angie )

( My sis, but you can't see her face )

I still haven't uploaded my Camp Crosswoods pics. But the worst part is, I don't remember taking any pics of my cuz, Esther.

Yeah, but you know, once you start getting into the photo groove, you stay in. I looked at some old pics and saw one of me and Shinbee, one of my million cousins.

( Sad to say I don't miss her, but I don't miss people. Not something I do. )

I know, it's a bit odd that I'm actually posting again. A lot has been happening this summer and I really needed to find a different side of me totally unrelated to the SPA life, so I went in search. I now not only have my MYS and SPA friends but now, Korean church friends. I put aside my pride and really got to know the people at my church and now, I find them just as caring and supportive as any other friend I have ever had.

I'm so much more confident in myself thanks to my Korean cousin(s), sister, and youth group. During the mission trip back in June, I brought drama with me to Yucatan. It was the wrong thing to do because I had to care about the sweet children of Yucatan. Well, not all of them were sweet. Not the ones that kept harrassing my little sister. When I told them to stop, they started harrassing me too. Not in a bad way. In a creepy way. Not like the horny kids last year but more like, "Hey, you're only five years older, let's hold hands."

So many good inside jokes too. Flying K's, we caught Osama's, cousins, sisters, it's like the rain, let's make the guys wink at us again. There were so many gigantic bugs there... every where. They were all around you, hopping on you, getting into your sleeping cot. Er... that's sorta how I earned the nickname Osama. On mission trips, I do this thing where I take a white sheet and wrap myself in it from head to toe even though it's 110 degrees out. One time, my head poked out while I was sleeping and Angie and Esther took a hilarious picture of me.

I had never been so happy in my whole life. I was getting to know everyone so well and all the kids loved me and I loved them and I loved God and God loved me. Even though it was tough work every day under the hot hot sun with bugs everywhere (one time, a whole colony of red ants came up my foot), I had never been so happy in my whole life... except. Well, you know.

Which brings me to another thing. We talked about... well, you know. Since I brought my problems with me to Yucatan, I was writing in my diary every minute talking about the one and only thing. Finally, they got it out of me. I was upset when I finally let it out. I was upset because I realized that I never knew how I truly felt and only kept denying the truth. And now, it's all gone. But even now, I keep denying the truth. My little sister's brother really helped me out by listening to my questions about the whole drama. Though he didn't really answer them, he really helped me just by listening. Good kid. I was extremely happy when he hooked up with my close friend at church a few weeks later at the youth group retreat to Camp Crosswoods. He and the you-know-other and some other person (I'd rather not say) are the rare type of guys that girls are always trying to look for. This fails to make sense.

So Camp Crosswoods, I reconnected with the close friend from church that I just talked about. She made me see that the whole drama was only in my head. I agree with most of that, but sometimes, what's in your head is a message of what you know is true. Yes, I know it's all infatuation and I hate that, but I know there's something more that I can't figure out. I'm confused as to what else there is. Perhaps that certain same happiness that I could only experience at Yucatan was also there in the certain other of that drama from before. Sorry I'm talking in really length code. I just don't want the certain other to be reading this and finding out that I'm putting up every detail for the world to see, making the certain other uncomfortable. Not that the person will ever read this ever again.

Anyways, after using a ton of night and weekend minutes with my close friend, I learned so much about love itself. It's so simple, really, but the ways to find it are so complicated making it also a complicated thing. Love is independent but supportive. You can't say that you need someone to live. That's just like saying that they've got you in a cage. You should be able to rely on yourself but the other should be there for support. The whole "He/She completes me" is wrong because love makes you confident in yourself to get out there and do your own thing. Also, love is communication. You can't expect two people to know everything that the other wants. If one person wants attention, they can't sit around and expect the other to know they want attention. They talk about it.

There's so much more than I learned from my friend, but some of them, I haven't been able to put into words yet.

I'm upset to say that my dearest friend in the whole world and I have only seen each other twice this summer. Very sad. But we constantly keep in touch. She still understands everything I'm going through and she still keeps me in good humor. Thank God. Also, I have quit swearing completely for her sake. She finds it disgusting. Just like I used to think it was foul if used in a wicked way. Now, I'm going back to the non-swearing me. I'm happy to have a holy mouth once more.

The day after my bff had her 16th birthday, I passed my road test. I have been proudly driving for two months. Thank you Lynn, Emily, and my voice teacher.

I quit voice lessons again btw. Back in the beginning of July. No doubt I'll be taking it up again though.

I've changed my mind once again about my future. I'm not doing music anymore. I'm just not committed enough. I wish I were.

I've been trying to find a job. Unfortunately, I'm not my charming, business-like brother who can shoot one look at the manager and get hired. Btw, he works at the California Cafe in MOA and has the sweetest, most divine girlfriend ever. I know that they are it. Finally. Too bad my brother is mean to me again though.

Here, I should note that my father has gone onto my mother's side.

I should also note that I now officially hate the name "Sarah" and at my new church, I've introduced myself as Cadence. Once I'm on my owney, I'm officially changing my name to Cadence. Period. Speaking of which, I haven't gotten mine in a while. jk. But anyway, I'm going to hate going back to school and hearing teachers and others calling me Sarah.

But well, although my church friends complain, I've changed churches. My mother's furious. Well la dee da. I'm actually turning into her now. My attitude's really shite. The thing is, I don't really care because it makes me feel like I can really defend myself. My close church friend and her bf think I'm way too defensive and paranoid. I won't let them come into my life more than I have because I admit, I'm afraid because that would make them additional bffs, and I don't like that many people in. The two have been very sweet though. Although they keep feeding me lies about how I'm a sweet, kind girl. Lies lies. Who doesn't know that I'm a rhymes with witch who has gone very stupid in the past year?

Anyways, these days I'm very upset. I haven't been happy since the church retreat and my parents are slowly killing me. The right answer might be to reconnect with my Korean friends again since they made me the happiest ever since... well, you know. But right now, I just want to find me.

Well, okay. That's a lie. I know I shouldn't keep lying. In fact, I should just stop typing because this is getting to be quite a ridiculously long entry. Alright, the truth is that I know who I am but I don't want to be her.

Also, I'm still missing a certain certain, and that upsets me because I don't want to be missing certain certains since I hardly ever miss people. It's not me. Besides, it's doing me no good to stick to missing certain certains. I've been forcing myself to move on and for a day, I thought it was working but now... idk.

Let me tell you something.

At Crosswoods, there was a high ropes course. I love heights and I love challenges. At the end of the high ropes course, there was this split of ways to get to the finish. One was easy, one was hard. Everyone was taking the easy way out and you know me. I hate being like everyone else. I took the hard way. I got through halfway but suddenly, I lost all strength. Just like that. It was like a bright light bulb going out. I had a ton of energy and then I lost it. I fell off the steps of the course. While the counselors tried to find a way to help me, I slipped several times into unconsciousness, or so my fellow youth members told me. What happened then is quite remarkable because for the past month, I've been praying for some sort of sign of moving over the drama. If I was supposed to stay stuck with the drama or find a way through it or skip over it. I hope you know what I mean. Well, anyways, up on the high ropes, I kept seeing all white and then hearing myself think about all the questions I ever had about the certain certain. It was like my brain was flicked onto high speed. I remember thinking, "Should I just give up on him? Will he be there waiting in the end? Where am I supposed to go now?" Remarkable what God can do... Minutes later, or should I say, an hour later, the counselors got me back on one of the waiting poles/stations/whatever. They gave me a choice. I could give up and be let down to the ground, or I could keep going and reach the end by going the easier path. "I'll do it. I can do it," I told them... or did I tell myself? When I reached the end, I realized that I was meant to get to the very end of this, but I was trying to go the more difficult path this whole time. Sometimes, you can't always be unique and go in different ways. The best ways to go sometimes are the paths that most of the others take. God finally answered me... except it came with a sacrifice. For the rest of camp, I kept having dizzy spells and seeing all white. I was really weak and tired and couldn't do a lot of activities. I was fine with this because knowing what I just came to realize was more important than anything.

I talked to my close church friend about it and she asked me what I was going to do.

"Do what normal people do and ask him if we can talk."

"Call him?"

"... Yeah... Er... It'd be better to catch him online so he doesn't think I'm a stalker freak."

But I never did although I left camp so sure that the first thing that I would do was contact him.
Still, I got my answer and I should just be happy for that. Even if I do ignore it and try to skip over this problem.

Well, it's not working. It hasn't for the past two months.
And the drama has been going on now for more than nine months. It better not reach a year.

for skimmers, long story short: right now, i don't want to talk to anyone. please do not email, im, or call me. it's for the best, i swear.

i thought i was ok. yucatan was wonderful and i met so many great people on my team and so now not only do i have my mys group, sc group, junior spartan group, long distance group, and misc group. i also have a church group. i should feel loved... right? especially after sending emily a ten minute happy birthday talk over email... right?

i really have changed over yucatan. i'm not afraid. at least, i don't think i am. i'm more hesitant, yes. more paranoid, yes. that's not what i'm talking about.

i've become a bit more heartless.

i'm sorry but i don't care enough about people as i should. i can't keep blaming my bringing up for that. it's all me.

i can't love anyone anymore. not can't as in unwilling but can't as in, i don't feel myself able to love family, friends, the world anymore.

one night, sitting underneath the mexican sky, something changed.

it's hard to explain it. let me put it in a rhythm because that's the only way i can explain myself.

denial. memories. pain. loss. understanding loss. pain. denial. acceptance. realization. denial. accepting realization. pain.

and i understood that i had to let go and i was willing to.

later that week, i ripped it up and threw it into the ocean air.

and then, no more of those certain feelings. but a clearer understanding and bond.

i think he would've been the one to understand the best because nearly everything i've been through, he has experienced.

but now i don't have anyone who really knows what it's like. none of you will get it. none of my new friends will get it. none of the other friends i have will get it.

is that how i have to live? without anyone to understand how it has all been?

but please please please leave me to my own thoughts. i don't want advice or words of encouragement. this is my own thing. i need to be with myself completely. i can't hear myself.

what's going to happen there? i know that when i write the next time in this blog, i'm not going to be the same person. what does God want me there for?

these are things i'll be doing down in yucatan:
washing feet
washing hair / de-licing hair
working in the fields
vacation bible school
evangelism (i'm so against evangelism ,but if i protest, the korean adults will start getting all mean towards me and tell my family about how i'm evil and then i'll be punished and it'll be totally unfair. i hate forcing christianity onto people!!! i hate it!)
medical care (translation and giving out supples)

i'm psyched for tomorrow. i have to be at the airport by 5 in the morning and i loooovvee waking up early. problem is i also love sleeping late late late at night so idk how i'm going to handle sleeping early. ish! wish me luck guys.

where is the God damn memory stick for my dad's digital camera??? chris!!! erg! that brother of mine.

damn, they're not as good. maybe tomorrow will bring in better ones ;)

Interactive Slasher Movie
By: The Interloper

Scene One:

The camera shows us a loud party, packed with people listening to loud music. Gradually the camera moves towards a heavy wooden door. Behind the door moaning sounds can be heard. Slowly, the camera moves towards the keyhole, closer and closer until we can see exactly what is going on in the room - nicole kidman is licking thomas's cello's shrine and he is moaning in pleasure...

thomas's cello: Oh I just love it when you lick me there!
nicole kidman: Are you ready to go all the way?
thomas's cello: Well...I'm still not sure...
nicole kidman: Come on, it'll be fun!
thomas's cello: Well...okay...
nicole kidman: Yes!

Suddenly, an ear-shattering scream comes from another part of the house and the music stops. thomas's cello leaps up from the bed.

thomas's cello: What was that!
nicole kidman: Nothing sweety, hey why don't you come back over here...
thomas's cello: No! I have to find out what happened.

thomas's cello pulls his clothes tightly around him and makes for the door. After a moment nicole kidman follows.

Scene Two:

A large group of people stand in a circle, staring down at the ground in a mixture of disgust and amazement. nicole kidman and thomas's cello appear on the scene, hair ruffled, nicole kidman still in the process of adjusting her skirt.

nicole kidman: What happened?

But a moment later is is startlingly clear what happened. mr. smith lies on the ground, his dead eyes staring at the ceiling. In his hands is a bloody blender that it is obvious was used to kill him.

thomas's cello: Oh my God who killed him?
sarah: Nobody knows! Everyone was dancing one minute and the next...
linnea: Our studies have shown that whoever killed him would have to be standing in this room right now however...
nicole kidman: Well it wasn't me! I was licking thomas's cello's shrine!
linnea: Really? Lucky girl!
thomas's cello: You bitch! You told me that you wouldn't tell anyone!
nicole kidman: Hey, sorry honey...
thomas's cello: Well you know what! You can shove your going all the way up your ass! I'm leaving!

The crowd of people ooh and ahh.

nicole kidman: Don't worry. I know you'll be back thomas's cello, you can't live without me!

thomas's cello gives nicole kidman the finger and storms off.

Scene Three:

thomas's cello walks into the kitchen and heads towards the fridge, shaking his head in dismay. Out of the shadows alanna appears, holding a ho...

alanna: Hey thomas's cello why so glum?
thomas's cello: Oooh don't hide in the shadows like that, you'll give me a heart-attack!
alanna: Sorry.
thomas's cello: Oh that's okay, sorry to snap at you like that it's just that nicole kidman and me are having problems...Err, alanna can I ask you something?
alanna: Go ahead.
thomas's cello: Why are you holding a ho?

alanna looks sheepish before...

alanna: Take this you heartless bastard!
nicole kidman: Not so fast!

alanna turns her head to see nicole kidman standing in the doorway holding a six incher.

alanna: Ooh damn, I'm in trouble now aren't I?
thomas's cello: I'll say!
linnea: Ooh, an old fashioned showdown!

Everyone turns to see linnea standing in the doorway holding a twelve incher.

linnea: Turns out I'm the only one with a twelve incher though doesn't it? Hmm...which side should I be on? Good or evil, good or evil, good or...

Suddenly thomas's cello swings open the fridge door and pulls out a pimp, swinging it hard against alanna's head. She crumples to the ground.

thomas's cello: Take that you piece of shit!
nicole kidman: The old hit the bad-lady in the head with a pimp trick hey! Impressive.
thomas's cello: Really?
nicole kidman: Oh yeah.
linnea: Ahem. Excuse me but I'm trying to be evil over here.
thomas's cello: linnea put the twelve incher down or else I will personally remove your ureter duct...
linnea: With a pimp?
thomas's cello: Well...maybe.

In the moment that it takes for linnea to decide whether or not that is impossible, nicole kidman spins on a heel and snatches the twelve incher away from her.

linnea: No! You can't do that! That's cheating!

nicole kidman assaults linnea with the twelve incher until there is nothing but a bloody corpse left.

thomas's cello: Should we take out his ureter duct?
nicole kidman: Hmm, I don't know about that, but I sure would like another chance to lick your shrine...
thomas's cello: You know what? I think I like the sound of that...

And they all lived happily ever after. Well, mr. smith, linnea and alanna didn't. What with being dead and all. But that's just details.

 

 

Jerry Slinger Script
By: The Interloper

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! wolverine is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of his linnea. So everyone please put your hands together for wolverine!
Jerry: Okay, now wolverine you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
You: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
You: alanna's cats.

The crowd SQUEALS with delight.

Jerry: Okay, okay, well alanna's cats, is actually here tonight...

The crowd SQUEALS once more.

Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you wolverine, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... epiphany's pimp!
You: What the HELL!!!

Out of nowhere you pull out a 12 incher. epiphany's pimp reaches for the your mom. Out of the shadows thomas's cello appears.

thomas's cello: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here epiphany's pimp.
epiphany's pimp: Because I saw wolverine and thomas's cello making out at sarah's book thong shop!

The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.

thomas's cello: That's a lie! I was home watching the oc!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem epiphany's pimp?
epiphany's pimp: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with linnea who has recently become engaged to thomas's cello.

The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.

Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring linnea out here because wolverine had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... alanna's cats that's right!
linnea: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with alanna's cats! You know I'm how I feel about alanna's cats!.
thomas's cello: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with alanna's cats!
linnea: Because I knew that I could never have alanna's cats. But wolverine promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
thomas's cello: What about respect for MY feelings!

epiphany's pimp walks suddenly across the stage, embracing linnea.

epiphany's pimp: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.

Again the crowd SQUEALS.

thomas's cello: Oh my God! Are you SICK!

thomas's cello runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly.

thomas's cello: wolverine take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...

The crowd does its bit.

thomas's cello: Married?

You nod.

thomas's cello: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to alanna's cats.
linnea: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
alanna's cats: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 283 times if that's what you mean.

The crowd squeals.

Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... wolverine is married to alanna's cats who linnea has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now linnea has recently become engaged to thomas's cello who was recently spotted kissing wolverine in the sarah's book thong shop. Now on top of this epiphany's pimp has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with linnea.
alanna's cats: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.

Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.