7 minutes in heaven

10 Personalities I Hate/Love

2006-12-24T02:00:20Z

Rare rare rare update

Hate

Sugar coatedness. You know. When people seem so sweet and you get along with them fine. And then they crack and they turn out to be asses.
Clinginess. You have have have to have only them as a friend and no one else. If you hang out with someone else, it's automatically betrayal.
Blind of blindness. When they can't accept the fact that they have a part in the blame game and are so convinced that they are 100% right and you're 100% wrong.
Self-crowning. They'll think that if you're not with them, you're practically miserable because they believe they're such better friends than anyone else and people who aren't them are just fake and will make your life hell. They'll also put down any of your friends who they personally hate.
Failure guilt tripping. When people think they're so good at guilt tripping and will tell you outrageous stories so you can feel sorry for them.

Love

Pot of honey. A bright shell on the outside and a rich heart inside so that you can have fun and be able to have deep, serious convos.
Rubber ball. They will have a set opinion about something that makes them who they are but they'll be able to bounce around and see other people's points of views about different situations.
Devilish angel. They know their boundaries but will do crazy stuff and dares with you.
Rubber band. You can be super close but they'll give you periods of time where you have space with them so friendship doesn't get old.
Guardian angel. My best friend Emily found out I was in trouble and without me even asking and without even telling me, she prayed for me constantly for a week. She was mourning with me and I hadn't heard from her in a couple of days so I thought that my situation scared her away. Then later, she showered me with little messages to hold strong and I asked her if I had scared her away at any point. That's when she told me that she didn't want to say something that she would regret to me and so that's why she waited a while. Then, Emily told me, "What kind of shallow friend do you think I am? I will always stick by you forever, especially through tough times like these."

I spent the entire day with my MYS pallies and I realized there were so many lovable personalities in the group. A lot of them, I've known for such a short time and even they treat me better than some of the "friends" I've had in the past. Even the guys who I've known for only a month outshine any crush and hottie of my life. When I got home, I realized how lucky I was to have finally found a group of people who are 97% genuine and are truly there for me. They don't hesitate to thank me for being their friend and I don't either. I feel so happy around them because we say things we really mean and we don't hold it back. I lost count of how many times I was told "I love you!" by them and how many times I told them, each time, really meaning it too. We never throw those three words around.

But it's not the people I hate. It's the personality. People change and personalities don't. I know I can be a bitch, but I don't hate myself (even though I keep thinking it).

Emily wrote to me (I love quoting her, she says the most fabby stuff), "You know what I just realized? We both have changed a TON since last year when we first became friends. That's really weird how different we are and how cool our friendship is. I'm so glad we are buds." She's right. I can't believe how different she is from last year. I can't believe how different I am from last year. And the best part is, we are aware of these changes, amused by them, and not afraid of them.

I'm such a crazy idiot now and I'm loving it. I love going manhunting and smiling at man candies at the mall. I talk to random people and friends of friends who I don't know. I love to coordinate events like the Secret Santa at MYS the pallies had. I love talking on the phone. I email 24/7. I <3 texting. I am obsessed with window shopping. I don't like to blog all that much anymore or more like, at all, since this is the first entry in a long long time. I love dressing up! I don't slouch in my chair anymore and I don't always look like I'm moping. I'm happy 90% of the time I'm out of the house. I don't feel like I need a guy to make my life better and the guy I like now treats me like a real friend and I don't unhealthily obsess over him. If something pisses me off, I don't try to push it aside. I point it out and fix it. I see the weaknesses in people as well as the strengths. I have stopped trying to just see good in people because in denying the bad halves of them, I'm not accepting the whole that they are.

I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky that when I got home, I immediately felt alone without my pallies around me. Happy holiday season. I hope each one of you are/will be lucky to find a whole mass of people who love you just as much as you love them. Thanks to those of you who have stuck by me when my family didn't. Thanks for your words of encouragement. Thanks for a shoulder to cry on. May the year 2007 be 2007 times better than 2006.

Xanga's Such a Bore

2006-09-17T23:10:40Z

There's a ton going on. I absolutely love having my life filled with stuff though because I feel normal again!

MYS is definitely two thumbs up for the incredibly intimidating Claudette and Manny Laureano. Can't forget about the fabulous Gaggle of Girls :)
I love my new church that I've been attending. It's really structured and carefree at the same time unlike my old church which always made me feel like I was worthless.

Bad news comes in here. Friday, I found out that my grandfather has stopped breathing and he's in the hospital now. My mother left Saturday morning. That makes me feel sad because it means that I won't be there to see my grandpa one last time and I'm not allowed to go for his funeral because of the cost of an airplane ticket, but then it makes me happy because without my mother, I feel really happy and human.

More bad stuff on the same day of my mother's departure. So I was driving to Zhara's (her sweet sixteen) and it took an hour to get there plus thirty minutes because I got lost on the island. As a result, I missed the yacht and had to drive back but I called Zhara through Tracy's cell and said happy birthday. I wasted a half tank of gas but I went shopping afterwards and talked to a good "old church" friend, Jen, on my cell for a couple of hours. She and I use up our weekend minutes just hanging onto our cells and mostly not saying anything. It sounds stupid but I think it's really cool that we can communicate in silence like that. Plus, it's free. She cheered me up and even made her bf hang on so I could keep talking to her.

Well, I tried 3+ different things on Friday after school. Very proud of myself. I talked to my brother about it and he was definitely there for me and it was quite a shocker to hear him really really understand my situation. Chris was totally cool about things and right now, he's visiting his gf Lindsay, who I think is the best one yet for him. I'm really sure that she's the one for him. But then, you never know about the future.

Hung out a bit with David and Tracy after school on Friday. It was a different experience. They understood though and even found it funny. I went back to school afterwards and talked to Moni for a bit and she's the one who convinced me to go to Zhara's. Well, since I missed it, I could make up the partying by going to Sophia's this week so no need to linger about feeling sorry for myself. One thing that Jen taught me (the Jen from my "old church") was that it's completely pointless to keep feeling bummed out about something. Usually, she just lets herself feel bad for a few minutes and then turns her mind to something exciting coming up. I've been doing the same and it's such a divine solution.

I'm dying my hair right now and step two is done so now I have to go add warm water and massage the coloring in my hair. Thank you Revlon!

Cheers.

Unhappily Ever After... Until Tomorrow!

2006-09-08T14:01:00Z

A couple of days ago, I gave up. Sometimes giving up is a good thing and in this case, it was the best thing that I would ever do. I'm not upset at all. Well... maybe a little sad. The thing never made me angry or sad, but I was afraid that I would become completely blind if I kept holding on. I love the life I'm living now. I don't want to keep it all in a horizontal line. I want to have my ups and downs in life. I want continuous change because it makes me more and more into the person I'm supposed to be. Right now, I have hope beyond the world and happiness like a flaming bush.

Yesterday Was My Last Day as a Violinist

2006-08-26T07:20:26Z

My laptop is amazing, which makes me feel horrible. But you have to do what needs to be done.

School in a few days. Something that I'm going to hate.

With music gone from my life, I really want to quit that music sem thing and orchestra. I don't want anything to do with music now. Well, okay. Just violin. It's really too bad because my closest friends were all praying for me and I really let them down. No, it wasn't a selfish prayer like, "Please let me get in." That is not a prayer. It was more, "Father, if this is a path I need to take, please help me make the right turn." Well, I guess it isn't a path in my life at all. But something will be coming up. Violin or not, I'm going to look on the bright side of things. I'll take time to feel completely shameful and embarassed, yes. But in a week, I'm going to be able to look at this and say with a laugh, "I'm so over all of that."

Well, piano is still a high point in my life. This is the year for the last stage of the MMTA contest. The Young Artist Competition. Ah, Lynn. Don't you know it well already? I hope this year, I'll see my eight star. Then, piano is over.

I used to wonder when it would be that I could finally quit both violin and piano. Now, it's already halfway over. I'm not feeling as pleased as I thought I would feel, but it's probably because I know that high school is nearly up and I'm going to be out soon. What I've dreamed of for too too too long.

Okay, so, Amazon messed up and they never sent out the Smallville discs. How sad sad sad. They gave me a five dollar gift certificate "for the inconvenience" and that was two days ago. I keep checking the tracking, but they still haven't sent them out yet. Load of idiots. Oh, they try.

I was having a chat with my friend. She now has her dream boyfriend. For a while actually. Of course, I find him the complete opposite as dreamy, but we have reached the obvious agreement that whatever I would think is dreamy would not be the same as whatever she would think is dreamy. We also both agree that love is way too difficult to spot most of the time. Especially in her relationship. They adore each other in every single way. They come to disagreements and talk it out. They share things with each other and teach each other new things. They're comfortable in each others arms and trust each other in distance. They had to spend the past several weeks separated (one on the West Coast). But even, with all that and so much more (such as the most adoring way they look at each other, which they didn't know I could see until I told her today), she doesn't know if there is that intimate kind of love. She had been praying to God for a sign to show her whether or not he was the one. I stopped to think about it and then asked, "How could God answer that one?"

Quite a job for the fellow above.

We talked about getting older and getting married.

"Are you getting married?" she asked me. The usual, immediate answer would be, "Yes, of course." But she knows me better than that. I couldn't say "of course" because I replied, "Well, only if there's my type of guy."

She's not one to leave it just at that. "What's your type of guy?"

Good question. I gave her what I thought would be my type of guy.

"He'd help me every step of the way and I would do the same for him without a question."
"He might be guyish, but when he talks to me, he would tell me how he feels/felt about something."
"He would be able to come up to me and talk to me about my mistakes. Also the other way around."
"He is really funny, but I can have serious talks with him too. He'd know when to switch from one to the other."
"He'd do crazy, super weird stuff with me." (I was thinking about how I wore the pink bunny ears with Emily to MYS the weekend of Easter and thought that it'd be cool if a guy would do it with enough persuasion.)
"I could be perfectly safe with him nearby and trust him from far away."
"We'd be able to sit together in front of the Christmas tree every year and just think in silence about everything." (I don't know how I thought of that. It just sprang up.)
"He'd be outgoing because I like having a lot of friends around. But then, there has to be that part of him that likes to be alone since I also like to be alone."
"We would teach each other different things. Just anything."

But then I said that it was all too good to be true.

But she told me that she thought that it wasn't. (I silently disagreed with her.)

Then I thought of more after our conversation ended.
If I broke into song, he'd join in if he knew the lyrics.
He'd know how to handle me after a "situation" with my mother.
We can disagree on things.
We wouldn't have to tell everything to each other because sometimes, we all need our own little secrets and thoughts.

Still too good to be true?
Most definitely.
What did I decide?
No way am I getting married. All this "your type, my type" business is just too complicated. No thanks. I like life simple.

ragexands2love @ 2006-08-24T12:21:00

2006-08-24T17:37:14Z

I'll just jot down the new stuff.

-Smallville discs come today. I want them now though. UPS should hurry up.
-My laptop completely broke down. I hate to say that I'm getting a new one.
-Laptops are such a waste of money unless used correctly by watching DVDs and listening to music on them.
-My mother is officially the official... dang it. I can't swear anymore.
-I am feeling sick.

Good luck Lynn, once again!
I haven't talked to Em yet, but the Gaggle will be in. I hope. Okay, I can't just hope. Let's assume for now.
And I think we should try to do something every Saturday as the Gaggle haha. If you think about it, we only get to see each other a month and a half out of a whole year. Did you know that Isabel girl who played 2nd violin last year in Rep also takes from Cindy? I didn't know that until this past Tuesday. She's taken from her for a year now! I bet soon, half of MYS violins will be taking from Cindy. So far it's Lauren, Minna, Emily, you, me, Artie (or is it Arie? Arde?), Isabel, those two guys who're already in Symphony (or did that blond one graduate?). There was that other one too. Is that Tim kid in MYS?

Okie, I'm going to do some violin now.

Slap That Bass

2006-08-23T04:37:27Z

Er..., I don't have much time because over the summer, I developed a new OCD habit. If I don't fall asleep before my clock hits 12:00, I haven't started the day right. I know, but whatev.

Ok, new stuff...

-Still have total nightmares and dreams about the Boy Blue. Emily's planning to help me get over it completely. Hopefully I'll realize that there's someone even more divine out there. -Smallville DVDs on their way to me me me! I love Smallville. Love love love it it it. -Okay, not so much a Hilary Duff fan anymore but I absolutely had to rent "The Perfect Man" and although I've watched quite a few episodes of "Living w/ Fran" over the summer, the movie definitely made me notice Ben Feldman. Unfortunately, he has no fan sites. Well, there's a site that he has but it's not the greatest. -Alright, so do not want a dog anymore. Well, not until I graduate er... everything. And it has to be a medium to big size dog, okie? Yeah yeah, small ones are so adorable, but I need more brain space in a dog. I've learned that the hard way this summer. Ish.

My latest diary btw, is number 11: Angestjuner Michinyre. Named after four good buds. I kinda smushed all their names together. Angie was quite proud. Ah Angie, as she would say, "Ah, sooh fahny..."

Uh, idk if I mentioned it in the previous entry, but I'm on a job search. Not doing so great, but w/e, it's just something to do and to get the $$ I really really really would like to have.

Okay, so here are two pals from Yucatan. Putting it behind the cut.

Angie was my first bff in my entire life. We reconnected a few summers ago. She is now my Sadam while I am her Osama.

Liz! I ♥ Liz! She is the funnest, spunkiest sister ever! The girl on the right of her was a great kid. If I were Mexican, I'd claim her as a sis.

I still haven't uploaded my Camp Crosswoods pics. But the worst part is, I don't remember taking any pics of my cuz, Esther.

Yeah, but you know, once you start getting into the photo groove, you stay in. I looked at some old pics and saw one of me and Shinbee, one of my million cousins.

This picture... I've mentioned it before, but no one ever remembers stuff anyone says, unless it's Jen J. or Willie lol bless their hearts. Whenever I wanted to die back in my darker days, I looked to this picture to remind myself that once, I was the happiest kid in the world. Now, I have a different picture that tells me to keep hope, but it's a picture I'll burn before I let anyone see it haha. Okay, well, I would let Jen J., Sam, and Emily see it, but that's the end of the list.

Happy New Year

2006-08-21T04:23:31Z

I know, it's a bit odd that I'm actually posting again. A lot has been happening this summer and I really needed to find a different side of me totally unrelated to the SPA life, so I went in search. I now not only have my MYS and SPA friends but now, Korean church friends. I put aside my pride and really got to know the people at my church and now, I find them just as caring and supportive as any other friend I have ever had.

I'm so much more confident in myself thanks to my Korean cousin(s), sister, and youth group. During the mission trip back in June, I brought drama with me to Yucatan. It was the wrong thing to do because I had to care about the sweet children of Yucatan. Well, not all of them were sweet. Not the ones that kept harrassing my little sister. When I told them to stop, they started harrassing me too. Not in a bad way. In a creepy way. Not like the horny kids last year but more like, "Hey, you're only five years older, let's hold hands."

So many good inside jokes too. Flying K's, we caught Osama's, cousins, sisters, it's like the rain, let's make the guys wink at us again. There were so many gigantic bugs there... every where. They were all around you, hopping on you, getting into your sleeping cot. Er... that's sorta how I earned the nickname Osama. On mission trips, I do this thing where I take a white sheet and wrap myself in it from head to toe even though it's 110 degrees out. One time, my head poked out while I was sleeping and Angie and Esther took a hilarious picture of me.

I had never been so happy in my whole life. I was getting to know everyone so well and all the kids loved me and I loved them and I loved God and God loved me. Even though it was tough work every day under the hot hot sun with bugs everywhere (one time, a whole colony of red ants came up my foot), I had never been so happy in my whole life... except. Well, you know.

Which brings me to another thing. We talked about... well, you know. Since I brought my problems with me to Yucatan, I was writing in my diary every minute talking about the one and only thing. Finally, they got it out of me. I was upset when I finally let it out. I was upset because I realized that I never knew how I truly felt and only kept denying the truth. And now, it's all gone. But even now, I keep denying the truth. My little sister's brother really helped me out by listening to my questions about the whole drama. Though he didn't really answer them, he really helped me just by listening. Good kid. I was extremely happy when he hooked up with my close friend at church a few weeks later at the youth group retreat to Camp Crosswoods. He and the you-know-other and some other person (I'd rather not say) are the rare type of guys that girls are always trying to look for. This fails to make sense.

So Camp Crosswoods, I reconnected with the close friend from church that I just talked about. She made me see that the whole drama was only in my head. I agree with most of that, but sometimes, what's in your head is a message of what you know is true. Yes, I know it's all infatuation and I hate that, but I know there's something more that I can't figure out. I'm confused as to what else there is. Perhaps that certain same happiness that I could only experience at Yucatan was also there in the certain other of that drama from before. Sorry I'm talking in really length code. I just don't want the certain other to be reading this and finding out that I'm putting up every detail for the world to see, making the certain other uncomfortable. Not that the person will ever read this ever again.

Anyways, after using a ton of night and weekend minutes with my close friend, I learned so much about love itself. It's so simple, really, but the ways to find it are so complicated making it also a complicated thing. Love is independent but supportive. You can't say that you need someone to live. That's just like saying that they've got you in a cage. You should be able to rely on yourself but the other should be there for support. The whole "He/She completes me" is wrong because love makes you confident in yourself to get out there and do your own thing. Also, love is communication. You can't expect two people to know everything that the other wants. If one person wants attention, they can't sit around and expect the other to know they want attention. They talk about it.

There's so much more than I learned from my friend, but some of them, I haven't been able to put into words yet.

I'm upset to say that my dearest friend in the whole world and I have only seen each other twice this summer. Very sad. But we constantly keep in touch. She still understands everything I'm going through and she still keeps me in good humor. Thank God. Also, I have quit swearing completely for her sake. She finds it disgusting. Just like I used to think it was foul if used in a wicked way. Now, I'm going back to the non-swearing me. I'm happy to have a holy mouth once more.

The day after my bff had her 16th birthday, I passed my road test. I have been proudly driving for two months. Thank you Lynn, Emily, and my voice teacher.

I quit voice lessons again btw. Back in the beginning of July. No doubt I'll be taking it up again though.

I've changed my mind once again about my future. I'm not doing music anymore. I'm just not committed enough. I wish I were.

I've been trying to find a job. Unfortunately, I'm not my charming, business-like brother who can shoot one look at the manager and get hired. Btw, he works at the California Cafe in MOA and has the sweetest, most divine girlfriend ever. I know that they are it. Finally. Too bad my brother is mean to me again though.

Here, I should note that my father has gone onto my mother's side.

I should also note that I now officially hate the name "Sarah" and at my new church, I've introduced myself as Cadence. Once I'm on my owney, I'm officially changing my name to Cadence. Period. Speaking of which, I haven't gotten mine in a while. jk. But anyway, I'm going to hate going back to school and hearing teachers and others calling me Sarah.

But well, although my church friends complain, I've changed churches. My mother's furious. Well la dee da. I'm actually turning into her now. My attitude's really shite. The thing is, I don't really care because it makes me feel like I can really defend myself. My close church friend and her bf think I'm way too defensive and paranoid. I won't let them come into my life more than I have because I admit, I'm afraid because that would make them additional bffs, and I don't like that many people in. The two have been very sweet though. Although they keep feeding me lies about how I'm a sweet, kind girl. Lies lies. Who doesn't know that I'm a rhymes with witch who has gone very stupid in the past year?

Anyways, these days I'm very upset. I haven't been happy since the church retreat and my parents are slowly killing me. The right answer might be to reconnect with my Korean friends again since they made me the happiest ever since... well, you know. But right now, I just want to find me.

Well, okay. That's a lie. I know I shouldn't keep lying. In fact, I should just stop typing because this is getting to be quite a ridiculously long entry. Alright, the truth is that I know who I am but I don't want to be her.

Also, I'm still missing a certain certain, and that upsets me because I don't want to be missing certain certains since I hardly ever miss people. It's not me. Besides, it's doing me no good to stick to missing certain certains. I've been forcing myself to move on and for a day, I thought it was working but now... idk.

Let me tell you something.

At Crosswoods, there was a high ropes course. I love heights and I love challenges. At the end of the high ropes course, there was this split of ways to get to the finish. One was easy, one was hard. Everyone was taking the easy way out and you know me. I hate being like everyone else. I took the hard way. I got through halfway but suddenly, I lost all strength. Just like that. It was like a bright light bulb going out. I had a ton of energy and then I lost it. I fell off the steps of the course. While the counselors tried to find a way to help me, I slipped several times into unconsciousness, or so my fellow youth members told me. What happened then is quite remarkable because for the past month, I've been praying for some sort of sign of moving over the drama. If I was supposed to stay stuck with the drama or find a way through it or skip over it. I hope you know what I mean. Well, anyways, up on the high ropes, I kept seeing all white and then hearing myself think about all the questions I ever had about the certain certain. It was like my brain was flicked onto high speed. I remember thinking, "Should I just give up on him? Will he be there waiting in the end? Where am I supposed to go now?" Remarkable what God can do... Minutes later, or should I say, an hour later, the counselors got me back on one of the waiting poles/stations/whatever. They gave me a choice. I could give up and be let down to the ground, or I could keep going and reach the end by going the easier path. "I'll do it. I can do it," I told them... or did I tell myself? When I reached the end, I realized that I was meant to get to the very end of this, but I was trying to go the more difficult path this whole time. Sometimes, you can't always be unique and go in different ways. The best ways to go sometimes are the paths that most of the others take. God finally answered me... except it came with a sacrifice. For the rest of camp, I kept having dizzy spells and seeing all white. I was really weak and tired and couldn't do a lot of activities. I was fine with this because knowing what I just came to realize was more important than anything.

I talked to my close church friend about it and she asked me what I was going to do.

"Do what normal people do and ask him if we can talk."

"Call him?"

"... Yeah... Er... It'd be better to catch him online so he doesn't think I'm a stalker freak."

But I never did although I left camp so sure that the first thing that I would do was contact him.
Still, I got my answer and I should just be happy for that. Even if I do ignore it and try to skip over this problem.

Well, it's not working. It hasn't for the past two months.
And the drama has been going on now for more than nine months. It better not reach a year.

please

2006-06-28T06:39:22Z

for skimmers, long story short: right now, i don't want to talk to anyone. please do not email, im, or call me. it's for the best, i swear.

i thought i was ok. yucatan was wonderful and i met so many great people on my team and so now not only do i have my mys group, sc group, junior spartan group, long distance group, and misc group. i also have a church group. i should feel loved... right? especially after sending emily a ten minute happy birthday talk over email... right?

i really have changed over yucatan. i'm not afraid. at least, i don't think i am. i'm more hesitant, yes. more paranoid, yes. that's not what i'm talking about.

i've become a bit more heartless.

i'm sorry but i don't care enough about people as i should. i can't keep blaming my bringing up for that. it's all me.

i can't love anyone anymore. not can't as in unwilling but can't as in, i don't feel myself able to love family, friends, the world anymore.

one night, sitting underneath the mexican sky, something changed.

it's hard to explain it. let me put it in a rhythm because that's the only way i can explain myself.

denial. memories. pain. loss. understanding loss. pain. denial. acceptance. realization. denial. accepting realization. pain.

and i understood that i had to let go and i was willing to.

later that week, i ripped it up and threw it into the ocean air.

and then, no more of those certain feelings. but a clearer understanding and bond.

i think he would've been the one to understand the best because nearly everything i've been through, he has experienced.

but now i don't have anyone who really knows what it's like. none of you will get it. none of my new friends will get it. none of the other friends i have will get it.

is that how i have to live? without anyone to understand how it has all been?

but please please please leave me to my own thoughts. i don't want advice or words of encouragement. this is my own thing. i need to be with myself completely. i can't hear myself.

into the woods once more!

2006-06-12T22:51:17Z

what's going to happen there? i know that when i write the next time in this blog, i'm not going to be the same person. what does God want me there for?

these are things i'll be doing down in yucatan:
washing feet
washing hair / de-licing hair
working in the fields
vacation bible school
evangelism (i'm so against evangelism ,but if i protest, the korean adults will start getting all mean towards me and tell my family about how i'm evil and then i'll be punished and it'll be totally unfair. i hate forcing christianity onto people!!! i hate it!)
medical care (translation and giving out supples)

i'm psyched for tomorrow. i have to be at the airport by 5 in the morning and i loooovvee waking up early. problem is i also love sleeping late late late at night so idk how i'm going to handle sleeping early. ish! wish me luck guys.

where is the God damn memory stick for my dad's digital camera??? chris!!! erg! that brother of mine.

just a few more

2006-06-11T23:39:07Z

damn, they're not as good. maybe tomorrow will bring in better ones ;)

Interactive Slasher Movie
By: The Interloper

Scene One:

The camera shows us a loud party, packed with people listening to loud music. Gradually the camera moves towards a heavy wooden door. Behind the door moaning sounds can be heard. Slowly, the camera moves towards the keyhole, closer and closer until we can see exactly what is going on in the room - nicole kidman is licking thomas's cello's shrine and he is moaning in pleasure...

thomas's cello: Oh I just love it when you lick me there!
nicole kidman: Are you ready to go all the way?
thomas's cello: Well...I'm still not sure...
nicole kidman: Come on, it'll be fun!
thomas's cello: Well...okay...
nicole kidman: Yes!

Suddenly, an ear-shattering scream comes from another part of the house and the music stops. thomas's cello leaps up from the bed.

thomas's cello: What was that!
nicole kidman: Nothing sweety, hey why don't you come back over here...
thomas's cello: No! I have to find out what happened.

thomas's cello pulls his clothes tightly around him and makes for the door. After a moment nicole kidman follows.

Scene Two:

A large group of people stand in a circle, staring down at the ground in a mixture of disgust and amazement. nicole kidman and thomas's cello appear on the scene, hair ruffled, nicole kidman still in the process of adjusting her skirt.

nicole kidman: What happened?

But a moment later is is startlingly clear what happened. mr. smith lies on the ground, his dead eyes staring at the ceiling. In his hands is a bloody blender that it is obvious was used to kill him.

thomas's cello: Oh my God who killed him?
sarah: Nobody knows! Everyone was dancing one minute and the next...
linnea: Our studies have shown that whoever killed him would have to be standing in this room right now however...
nicole kidman: Well it wasn't me! I was licking thomas's cello's shrine!
linnea: Really? Lucky girl!
thomas's cello: You bitch! You told me that you wouldn't tell anyone!
nicole kidman: Hey, sorry honey...
thomas's cello: Well you know what! You can shove your going all the way up your ass! I'm leaving!

The crowd of people ooh and ahh.

nicole kidman: Don't worry. I know you'll be back thomas's cello, you can't live without me!

thomas's cello gives nicole kidman the finger and storms off.

Scene Three:

thomas's cello walks into the kitchen and heads towards the fridge, shaking his head in dismay. Out of the shadows alanna appears, holding a ho...

alanna: Hey thomas's cello why so glum?
thomas's cello: Oooh don't hide in the shadows like that, you'll give me a heart-attack!
alanna: Sorry.
thomas's cello: Oh that's okay, sorry to snap at you like that it's just that nicole kidman and me are having problems...Err, alanna can I ask you something?
alanna: Go ahead.
thomas's cello: Why are you holding a ho?

alanna looks sheepish before...

alanna: Take this you heartless bastard!
nicole kidman: Not so fast!

alanna turns her head to see nicole kidman standing in the doorway holding a six incher.

alanna: Ooh damn, I'm in trouble now aren't I?
thomas's cello: I'll say!
linnea: Ooh, an old fashioned showdown!

Everyone turns to see linnea standing in the doorway holding a twelve incher.

linnea: Turns out I'm the only one with a twelve incher though doesn't it? Hmm...which side should I be on? Good or evil, good or evil, good or...

Suddenly thomas's cello swings open the fridge door and pulls out a pimp, swinging it hard against alanna's head. She crumples to the ground.

thomas's cello: Take that you piece of shit!
nicole kidman: The old hit the bad-lady in the head with a pimp trick hey! Impressive.
thomas's cello: Really?
nicole kidman: Oh yeah.
linnea: Ahem. Excuse me but I'm trying to be evil over here.
thomas's cello: linnea put the twelve incher down or else I will personally remove your ureter duct...
linnea: With a pimp?
thomas's cello: Well...maybe.

In the moment that it takes for linnea to decide whether or not that is impossible, nicole kidman spins on a heel and snatches the twelve incher away from her.

linnea: No! You can't do that! That's cheating!

nicole kidman assaults linnea with the twelve incher until there is nothing but a bloody corpse left.

thomas's cello: Should we take out his ureter duct?
nicole kidman: Hmm, I don't know about that, but I sure would like another chance to lick your shrine...
thomas's cello: You know what? I think I like the sound of that...

And they all lived happily ever after. Well, mr. smith, linnea and alanna didn't. What with being dead and all. But that's just details.

Jerry Slinger Script
By: The Interloper

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! wolverine is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of his linnea. So everyone please put your hands together for wolverine!
Jerry: Okay, now wolverine you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
You: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
You: alanna's cats.

The crowd SQUEALS with delight.

Jerry: Okay, okay, well alanna's cats, is actually here tonight...

The crowd SQUEALS once more.

Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you wolverine, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... epiphany's pimp!
You: What the HELL!!!

Out of nowhere you pull out a 12 incher. epiphany's pimp reaches for the your mom. Out of the shadows thomas's cello appears.

thomas's cello: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here epiphany's pimp.
epiphany's pimp: Because I saw wolverine and thomas's cello making out at sarah's book thong shop!

The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.

thomas's cello: That's a lie! I was home watching the oc!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem epiphany's pimp?
epiphany's pimp: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with linnea who has recently become engaged to thomas's cello.

The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.

Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring linnea out here because wolverine had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... alanna's cats that's right!
linnea: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with alanna's cats! You know I'm how I feel about alanna's cats!.
thomas's cello: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with alanna's cats!
linnea: Because I knew that I could never have alanna's cats. But wolverine promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
thomas's cello: What about respect for MY feelings!

epiphany's pimp walks suddenly across the stage, embracing linnea.

epiphany's pimp: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.

Again the crowd SQUEALS.

thomas's cello: Oh my God! Are you SICK!

thomas's cello runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly.

thomas's cello: wolverine take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...

The crowd does its bit.

thomas's cello: Married?

You nod.

thomas's cello: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to alanna's cats.
linnea: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
alanna's cats: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 283 times if that's what you mean.

The crowd squeals.

Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... wolverine is married to alanna's cats who linnea has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now linnea has recently become engaged to thomas's cello who was recently spotted kissing wolverine in the sarah's book thong shop. Now on top of this epiphany's pimp has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with linnea.
alanna's cats: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.

Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.

old stuff, chaps!

2006-06-11T03:10:29Z

i was just going through my old journal, imlivinit. there are soooo many funny entries from last year about the honors earth science class and other good stuff.

http://imlivinit.livejournal.com/74817.html

*censored*
omg, linnea. check the one in ur memories. those were the times when i didn't like him but i thought he was an interesting kid... that's so weird... i don't remember knowing who he was last year though... i just remember telling you, hey, linnea, there's this kid that you probably would end up being crazy about. funny how things twist around over time.

things from the censored:

mr. ertl: because this graph is not done accurately, we'll just toss this into the recycling bin
me: gasp! that's my graph!
katherine: omg! mr. ertl!
mr. ertl: oh, she's not going to hold anything against me
me: yes i am
mr. ertl: no you're not

strange man in video: i find it enjoyable...when my lover...pours hot candle wax...on my nipples...
(english class dying)
strange man in video: do it!...i find it enjoyable...
peter: let's watch that again!

http://imlivinit.livejournal.com/71705.html

http://imlivinit.livejournal.com/55675.html

ooo...memories

a few crazy madlibs

2006-06-11T01:32:04Z

i got these off of a website. they turned out to be absolutely hilarious. do read!

Interactive Neighbours Episode
By: The Interloper

A house has become available on Ramsey Street...a house that you've never seen on television before. A house hidden by the cameras because it looks well...a little bit feral. But now, finally, a group of loud-mouthed youths have decided to rent the house and Ramsey Street will never be the same again...

sarah: Well...looks like we've finally moved in...
stalin: Yup it certainly does...
hitler: This is gonna' be great !
stalin: Yup it certainly is...
hitler: Well...why don't we step over to Lou's Place and have us a drink to celebrate?
mr. danielson: Sounds mighty fine to me...

Minutes later sarah, stalin, little boy blue, hitler and mr. danielson appear outside Lou's Place...the local pub. hitler looks at their watch.

hitler: Hey it's only 10 in the morning, isn't it a little early to be drinking...?
Everyone Else: Nah.
hitler: Well...okay then.

The group walk into Lou's place and up to the counter.

Lou: Well if it isn't Ramsey Streets newest residents! What can I get for you?
sarah: G'day Lou you alanna. Get us all glasses of piss please.

Lou frowns but says nothing. Then turns away to get the drinks. The group enjoy five more drinks of the same before stumbling home sometime later carrying bulk supplies of dasani for tonights house-warming party.

stalin: Now that Lou is a GOOD bloke. Know what I'm saying? Really, he knows where it's at.
sarah: stalin you're drunk!
stalin: Nah...

Everybody laughs

As the night rolls on, people start to filter into the party and the dasani supplies steadily begin to diminish. Half way through the evening Felicity Scully enters the room. stalin stands up and raises a finger to her.

stalin: Felicity you're a linnea!

Felicity looks embarrassed, sarah grabs stalin and pulls them down to the couch. From across the room a voice is heard...

hitler: HEY! LET'S GO AND STONE THE KENNEDY PLACE!

There is a general roar of approval from sarah, little boy blue, stalin and mr. danielson and they all dash outside to begin looking for stones. On the way out little boy blue bowls Felicity Scully - who is still looking embarrassed - to the ground and she wails in pain.

mr. danielson: Yay! Check this out I got some stones!

The rowdy--and very, very drunk group--begin to throw stones at the Kennedy residence. Within minutes Dr Karl appears wearing a dressing-gown...

Karl Kennedy: Hey! Move along you lot or I'll call the police!
sarah: You wouldn't call the cops you piece of -

A stone thrown by hitler hits Dr Karl dead in the face and he collapses backwards, holding a hand to his nose...

sarah: Oh Jesus what do we do?
stalin: Run!

The group begin to sprint off down the street...but Harold Bishop suddenly appears in their way...

hitler: You'll never take me alive Jelly-Belly!
Harold: Now wait just a minute--

hitler pulls out a six incher and uses it on Harold. Harold screams and gasps, then collapses onto the ground.

little boy blue: Oh my God, now we are REAL criminals, thanks a lot hitler.
sarah: Don't worry, nobody saw...we can just hide the body and--
Felicity Scully: I saw.
stalin: Oh great it's the linnea.

stalin leans over and grabs the six incher from little boy blue.

stalin: Take this you linnea!

Felicity screams as stalin uses the six incher on her.

sarah: Great, just...GREAT. Now we have two bodies to get rid of.
Karl Kennedy: Why would you want to get rid of the bodies?

sarah spins on a heel and stares at Karl.

sarah: Okay now hold on a second, this is getting a little scary. Where do all you people keep springing from?
Karl Kennedy: Never mind that...see the thing is that it's not the season finale of neighbours yet...so none of the major characters can die. You see, we always end the year with a death or a near-death to keep the crowds interested...do you understand?

Already the two bodies on the ground have started to squirm...they are alive...

sarah: Okay now THIS...is a little scary...
stalin: I'm outta' here...
sarah: Yeah you know that...I am too. Maybe it's time we started that family we keep talking about.
stalin: Oh...that...yeah well, we'll see...
sarah: What about the rest of you?
little boy blue: Nah...actually...I kind of like it here...
mr. danielson: Yeah...maybe we can start that family together now little boy blue...
Everybody: What?
little boy blue: Err, nevermind...
hitler: Yeah I think I'm gonna' stay as well...Imagine it. A world that you can only die once a year in...It's paradise.
sarah: Well...okay then...Goodbye everyone I guess...except you of course stalin.

And so it ends. sarah and stalin walking off towards the sunrise hand in hand ready to find a new life. Whilst behind them, Ramsey Street is a mess of underage teenage drinkers, a wounded Jelly-Belly and Felicity Scully...a Doctor with a broken nose and a house with broken windows...And everyone here knows that Ramsey Street will never be the same again. Ever.

Babes and Bastards - The Interactive Soap Opera
By: The Interloper

Welcome to the first ever (and probably the last ever) episode of the Internet's one and only Interactive Soap Opera...The Babes and the Bastards!!!

It was a cold night outside, the rain beating against the windows while you and thomas's cello cuddled up against each other on the leather couch, moaning and breathing heavily enough to fog up the windows.

You: Oooh yeah I love you, oh yeah that's it, hold on I just need to take these off...
thomas's cello: No! No...I can't.
You: Comeon babe, nobody will even know...
thomas's cello: It's just...just that...I feel bad.
You: You're worried about alanna aren't you?
thomas's cello: I'm not sure, I just...I just feel bad. We have been married for 3 years now, I keep thinking that just because alanna has a problem -
You: A problem? You realised this when? Everyone else has known that alanna has been addicted to myspace for years!
thomas's cello: I think that you should leave...
You: Okay, okay fine, I'm going, but don't come running back to me when you realise that you don't want to be with alanna anymore.

Meanwhile, across town in the myspace rehabilitation clinic...

barney the purple dinosaur: Okay alanna I think you're ready to face the outside world again.
alanna: Really? I'm...I'm cured?
barney the purple dinosaur: Yes, just remember, that if you are ever in a position where you are tempted by myspace just look the other way. Good luck.

alanna looks extremely happy with themselves and heads out of the clinic beaming. From the darkness appears liam's bassoon carrying a bundle of cash.liam's bassoon hands it over to barney the purple dinosaur and they shake hands.

liam's bassoon: Thank you SO much, I am so grateful.
barney the purple dinosaur: No, no, the pleasure is ALL mine trust me. Could I possibly ask why it is that you wanted me to rig alanna's recovery so soon?

liam's bassoon looks uncomfortable and frowns.

barney the purple dinosaur: Well?
liam's bassoon: You'd probably just laugh, it's just that...well...since alanna has been in here yellow teletubby and thomas's cello have been getting really close...TOO close.
barney the purple dinosaur: And?
liam's bassoon: Do I need to spell it out for you? I'm in love with yellow teletubby.

Meanwhile, linnea groans from a hospital bed across the other side of town. linnea was rushed to hospital only minutes earlier.

Doctor: linnea I'm sorry but the news isn't good...
linnea: Just give it to me straight Doc. I can take it.
Doctor: You are suffering very badly from bird flu. You probably have a few days to live at most.
linnea: Oh no Doc! Oh no! What am I going to do?
Doctor: If there's any unfinished business that you have to attend to I recommend that you do it soon. Very soon.
linnea: Thankyou Doctor, yes, I think that there is.

linnea rises from the bed and makes for the door. Meanwhile, barney the purple dinosaur sits poised over a table, in front of them sits a piece of paper on which is written myspace and below it an image of what the word represents...

barney the purple dinosaur: (cackling evilly) If this doesn't get alanna to snap then nothing will. All I need is for alanna to recieve this fax and then, driven to an insane rage by their addiction to take it out on yellow teletubby...mwa-ha-ha.

barney the purple dinosaur walks over to the fax machine and sends the page to thomas's cello and alanna's house.

Meanwhile, you have just returned home to find liam's bassoon waiting at your door.

liam's bassoon: Hey...
You: Umm...hi...what can I do for you?
liam's bassoon: I was wondering if we could talk...and maybe eat some your mom off each other...
You: I'm not so sure that that would be a good idea, you see I'm trying to -
liam's bassoon: alanna was released from rehab today.
You: Oh?
liam's bassoon:Uh-huh...so you may as well give up on thomas's cello...but I'm here so...
You: Eat your mom off each other did you say?
liam's bassoon: Oh yeah.
You: Won't you come in?

Meanwhile, linnea pulls into thomas's cello's driveway and rushes to the door.

linnea: thomas's cello please come out, I really need to speak to you!
thomas's cello: linnea is that you? What are you doing here? It's...like 3 in the morning...
linnea: I'm...I'm dying. I've been diagnosed with bird flu.
thomas's cello:Oh my God... linnea I'm sorry...does yellow teletubby know?
linnea: No, I didn't have time, I had to come and see you to...well...
thomas's cello: Yes?
linnea: I had to tell you that I'm in love with you, I know it didn't work out all those years ago and we had to keep the baby a secret...but now I'm sorry that we put it up for adoption, I'm sorry that I left you...I NEED you thomas's cello.
thomas's cello: Shh, we promised never to speak of that. You should probably go, get some sleep...

Meanwhile, alanna slides around the back of the house, believing that they have been cured of their addiction to myspace, ready to surprise thomas's cello. As alanna passes through the study they notice that a fax is coming through and stop to read it. At once, alanna's body contorts and begins to spasm...it is then that they hear the voices of thomas's cello and linnea talking at the front door. This sends alanna into a fit of jealous rage...

But before we look at what happens there let's come back to barney the purple dinosaur who is sitting down watching some quality television.

barney the purple dinosaur: Ahh that's good stuff...

There is a knock at the door.

barney the purple dinosaur: Who is it?
Voice: Open up, it's the police!

Okay...well now that that is sorted out, let's head back over to your place where...well...

You: Oooh yeah, that's ooh yeah...
liam's bassoon: Mmm, yeah, oh yeah, oh...oh God yes...

Hmm, yes well anyway...now back to thomas's cello and alanna's house...

linnea: Oof! Oh Jesus, don't hit me, no! Argh!
alanna: (In a flurry of punches and kicks) Take that! And that! And...THAT!
thomas's cello: alanna what are you doing out of rehab! What's happening?
alanna: Oh, I'm sorry I got back early! I feel so bad for breaking up your sordid affair with linnea here.
thomas's cello: No! Please, linnea's dying!
alanna: You got that right! Lousy piece of shit!

And that, is where we will leave the adventures of our heroes for tonight, but remember to tune in next week for more...

No, actually that was terrible and there probably won't be any more of the Internet's one and only interactive Soap Opera... Babes and Bastards!

to 2 musicians who i love to josh about. this is for you hahahah.

Jerry Slinger's Kinky Sex Special
By: The Interloper

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry: Hello everybody and welcome to our special presentation for tonight...Jerry Slinger's Kinky Sex Stories...

Crowd hollers.

Jerry: That's right, tonight we are going to find out all kinds of utterly, utterly, terrifying information about our guests.

The crowd screams.

Jerry: So now, let's introduce...thomas's cello! Everybody please put your hands together!

thomas's cello walks out onto the stage dressed up like a bubble.

thomas's cello: Hi Jerry!
Jerry: Hey there thomas's cello, why don't you tell everyone here what you have to say...
thomas's cello: Well Jerry...I kind of have a special fetish...

The crowd LOVES it.

Jerry: Oh I see...and you're here to tell thomas about it right? In the hope that your fantasies can be realised?
thomas's cello: That's right Jerry.

Again the crowd screams.

Jerry: Okay, okay then, well why don't we bring thomas in then and see what they have to say.

thomas appears and walks across the stage, embracing thomas's cello.

Jerry: Okay, now thomas, you are probably wondering why you're here...
thomas: Yes Jerry...
Jerry: Well thomas's cello why don't you tell them why they're here...
thomas's cello: Well sweety...I have brought you here to tell you that...
thomas: You're gay?
thomas's cello: No! No, that's not it...it's just that I have, well, a sort of fetish...a fetish for looking at porn...
thomas: Omigod!

thomas puts their hand over their mouth. The crowd goes crazy.

thomas's cello: I was wondering if...you could, well you know...help me with it. I dressed up in this uniform for you and everything...
thomas: Well yeah...yeah I guess...
thomas's cello: Really?
thomas: But on one condition...
thomas's cello: Anything!
thomas: I want you to eat ass off my armpit...

The crowd goes INSANE.

Jerry: Okay, okay, but now I have to interrupt. Because there's actually something else that somebody needs to tell you thomas.

Crowd silences, from the shadows emerges liam, sitting down next to thomas.

liam: Thanks Jerry...okay here's the thing...you know how important your friendship is to me thomas...but, hell, I want MORE...
thomas: What are you saying?
liam: I want to have passionate sex with you...

thomas's cello stands up rapidly from their seat. The crowd squeals with delight.

thomas's cello: Now wait just a minute!
thomas: I...I don't know what to say...I...
thomas's cello: You say no! No is what you say!
Jerry: Okay, everyone please let's just calm down for a second, please, because it just turns out that I now have a suprise for all three of you...

Jerry points to the side entrance onto the stage and liam's bassoon appears with a big grin on their face. thomas's cello leaps out of their chair and lunges towards them, swinging wild punches...

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

The security guard pulls them apart and sits them on opposite sides of thomas. thomas's cello wipes away the dribble of blood from their nose while liam's bassoon blinks a rapidly blackening eye.

thomas's cello: You piece of shit, you've always been jealous of me and thomas, why don't you just face the fact that we're together? Huh?
liam's bassoon: Oh yeah you have a great relationship don't you? When was the last time you had sex? Huh?
thomas: Only 12 hours ago actually.

The crowd explodes excitedly.

liam's bassoon's face contorts and they leap out of their chair towards thomas's cello. thomas's cello stands and scoops up their chair, swinging it at liam's bassoon in wild arcs. The security guards step in and drag them apart.

Jerry: Wait a second, wait a second, I've missed something here. Why are the two of you so angry at each other? liam's bassoon help me out here.
liam's bassoon: Well Jerry it's a long story...but basically I asked these two if they wanted to form a threesome with me...
Jerry: A threesome with who? thomas and thomas's cello?
liam's bassoon: That's right Jerry, I think about them both all the time...
thomas: Omigod! You're sick do you know that? I don't even want to see you again! I'm in love with thomas's cello and that's how it's gonna' stay!
The crowd whoops and bellows in excitement. The camera moves out into the crowd and Jerry holds the microphone out to a young woman.
Young Woman: Yeah, I have a question for you down there...thomas, I have to ask, are you crazy not to want to get down with thomas's cello and liam's bassoon or what? I think you should consider yourself more lucky! Oh and liam's bassoon I've got something for you baby..!

The woman flashes her belly button for not only liam's bassoon but the whole world to see. The crowd explodes in excitement. Jerry steps away and looks sternly into the camera.

Jerry: Well as much as I wish that this could go on forever, i have to draw it to a close...and so i say this - what have morals stooped to in society today if we are even here talking about looking at porn's and people getting their armpit's licked? People harbouring secret obsessions for best friends, others seeking comfort in the numbers of threesomes. Throughout this all we've forgotten that two of the people down there are quite possibly in love and these peoples friends should respect that rather than just seeking fulfillment of their own desires. Thank you...and goodnight.

Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.

me, me, me... oh... and jesus

2006-06-10T00:05:36Z

so i was feeling extremely stuck up and i created a quiz to c how well my dear friends know me. i made it really really really hard btw so unless you know me really well, it's going to be tough acing this thing. it ain't precalc. :)

they wouldn't let me do more than 20 questions per quiz and that's kinda a lame quiz so i made three separate ones. i suppose that equals a quest. heh heh.

quiz part I
quiz part II
quiz part III

next ticket to freedom july 5

2006-06-08T18:25:26Z

well, i didn't pass but surprisingly it wasn't the 90 degree backing or checking at intersections that screwed me up. it was the uphill parking and the parallel parking. except it was weird that i didn't get parallel parking right because i'm usually an ace at it. it was weird to see me do the 90 degree backing because i thought i would mess up but i concentrated really hard and got it right away. it was so beautiful i could've wept but i don't think i can ever do that again.

so my next road test is july 5 and by then, i'll be fabulous at driving. yes, i will.

what will i do with stuff going on at home? i love the suburbs but what sucks is i live right smack in the middle and so the library is about 3 miles away but that's not too far. i can probably get up early and walk over there and then start coming back home around 5:30.

i'm not completely bummed out about failing because i knew that i would even though i hoped that i wouldn't. the days which are real torture are mondays and tuesdays since my mom stays home. yesterday my mom took a holiday which really sucked. she leaves at 5:45 pm and gets back 2:30 am. well, i'll be gone to yucatan on tuesday and today and up to sunday, my mom will go to work. monday, i'll mostly be packing. and then when i get back, it'll be tuesday and i think my brother can end up convincing my mom that i need sleep. then wednesday, the five day freedom starts. by then, july 5 won't be far off!

there's so much to do now. i have to convince my dad to fix both of our printers, catch up on my diary writing, complete high rhulain, organize my room, and who knows what else. all of those are good things btw. i'm also making book thongs. my new hobby. a secret from mother of course. what is a book thong? it's a decorated string that is used as a bookmark. i have a ton of beads and colored floss from my elementary school days. i had a dream last night that i gave my brother's gf a book thong and said, "now you can say that your boyfriend's sister gave you a thong for the fourth of july!" it was reeeaaallly weird.

so i have my final church meeting today. goody goody. not. when i get back from my mission trip, i'm planning to return to my church only once and then i'll attend a different church. more later. i'm off to escape from my mother. call me! i'll be free the whole day now!

out of summer and into the ice

2006-06-08T05:15:23Z

ok, i've cooled down now. let's face it. most likely i'm not going to pass but i'm going to keep a positive outlook. sorry for being extra bitchy today. couldn't help myself but that's a poor excuse.

well, in case i do obtain my freedom tomorrow, 612-597-4044. if i don't get my freedom, AVOID CALLING ON MONDAYS AND TUESDAYS AND ALSO ANY DAY BEFORE 5:45 PM!!! er... because my mom would be around and then i would have to deal w/ her nonhuman rantings.

too bad all of my fellow woodbury ppl are either out of town or unreachable because i don't have their contact info.

Losing You to My Book

Please don't get lost in the crowd.
Nothing's worse than knowing that this is it.
You're not actually waving your hand in goodbye,
Are you? Well not for long then? Just for a bit?

Why are you fading faster and faster?
Is that really you turning your back on me?
How come when I reach out now, I feel nothing but
Thin air? When I said stay, didn't you agree?

Losing you forever and ever.
It's so hard to imagine that you are for never.
It hurts. It pains me. I just can't look.
You just turned and faded in the book
Of memories. Just another past.
I should've known that knowing you would never last.

I see you on every corner of my mind.
I read and write and see you on every page.
Maybe you'll come back and wave a hello.
Maybe it was just a joke. A show on a stage.

I open the book that I keep locked up in the cupboard.
I come to the page where you exist now.
And now it's time to close the book on you,
But I leave it to stay open with a vow.

Losing you forever and ever.
It's so hard to imagine that you are for never.
It hurts. It pains me. I just can't look.
You just turned and faded in the book
Of memories. Just another past.
I should've known that knowing you would never last.

When I get home, I see that it's closed.
Now you really are just a ghost.
But I try to avoid facing that fact.
You're probably the memory that I love most.

Losing you forever and ever.
It's so hard to imagine that you are for never.
It hurts. It pains me. I just can't look.
You just turned and faded in the book
Of memories. Just another past.
I should've known that knowing you would never last.

I should've known that knowing you would never last.

even more enraged

2006-06-08T04:34:35Z

MY MOM HAS BEEN SERIOUSLY ANNOYING THE CRAP OUT OF ME. every minute that she was home today, she followed me all around the house talking talking talking and not just regular talk. nonono. it's the usually sarah's mother talk about the future, my cousin's achievements, everything i do wrong, everything i should be doing, everything i should not be doing, etc. my mom - ugh, i hate even calling her that - is not the type of person you can kindly or harshly ask to shut the hell up. she'll think of it as some joke and since she thinks she's so funny, she'll keep talking and talking and talking and OMG! GET ME THE FUCK OUT NOW!!!! SHE EVEN FOLLOWED ME INTO THE BATHROOM! AND NOT JUST ONCE! WHAT THE HELL IS HER PROBLEM?? it was so frustrating, i wanted to cry. she has only just now stopped because she was getting tired and wanted to go to sleep. but i won't cry or give up. there's still hope.

she takes away my right to read, write, sing... do things! AND NOW SHE TAKES AWAY MY TIME?? MY ME-TIME??? MY PERSONAL SPACE????

dear Lord, dear Jesus. you can't let me fail the test tomorrow because that'll keep me a step away from going back.

rage and love

2006-06-07T23:41:24Z

what will i do? what will i do if i don't pass the road test tomorrow? i can't stay at home. i hate being at home. no one who can help me. not a moment of happiness. well, i can't say that i'm unhappy. i'm happy. i really am. but no. i can't stay here. i miss the apartment. well, not really. i hated the apartment but idid like being there instead of here. what am i going to do?

but nevermind. i will pass. i will i will. and then the first thing i'm going to do is drive over to the library and read. my mom won't let me read. it's horrible. she won't even let me touch my computer. the only reason i'm blogging now is because she's out w/ my brother paying my aunt a visit. i need to get out of here. it's worse than last summer. well at least my brother is around. actually it doesn't make much of a difference this year. he kind of... blends? idk how to describe it. we don't get along but we don't not get along if you know what i mean. it's just neutral. i keep out of his way.

things aren't really going so well at all. i don't want to make this like a prenovember entry but life from before is seeping back. i don't like it.

it's bright and blue outside but it'll always be cold and gray in my life. i've finally accepted the fact that i was meant to live in misery. perhaps it's a test for courage i don't have anymore. struggle is a daily routine now. i don't know how much longer i have to prove myself to be able to deal with it but i really can't handle it longer. i'd love to understand and know things. i'd love to have a family who'll care for me always. i'd love to live smiling every minute. but there are things that are unreachable so now the only option for me is to escape.

well, that gave me some ideas for a new song. that's the good part of it.

Letter of Gold

Cleaning out the things that I didn't need.
Sometimes we get all cluttered up inside.
Pulled out a letter written so long ago.
About the things that made me want to hide

Before when everything was bad.
No place to escape. No smile to return.
A letter written. Pencil in my right
And knife in my left. It was my turn

To die.
To cry.
To do everything that made me feel like shit.
To crumble.
To lie.
Things that would hurt, burn, tear, break, and hit.

Keep on rolling.
All for nothing.
And you just need something
To keep you awake.

Keep you awake.
Letter of gold.

Putting away the note of my shame,
I kept on cleaning things out of my head.
Afraid that I would find something a lot scarier.
And I finally ended up with gold instead.

Find what makes everything worth it.
Though the pain is tough, you get gold in return.
It was a good thing that it was so close by
Since I thought that it was my turn

To die.
To cry.
To do everything that made me feel like shit.
To crumble.
To lie.
Things that would hurt, burn, tear, break, and hit.

Keep on rolling.
All for nothing.
And you just need something
To keep you awake.

Keep you awake.
Letter of gold.

Letter of gold.
Be written and tossed away.
You write the letter
So the agony doesn't stay.

(To die.) I ended up better.
(To cry.) No more sorrow.
I can't act like life is just shit.
(To crumble.) There's always a worst time.
(To lie.) Don't need tears to borrow.
Don't need to be hurt, burned, torn, broken, or hit.

Keep on rolling.
Always something.
And you just need something
To keep you awake.

Keep you awake.
Keep you awake.
Keep you awake.
Letter of gold.

devil talk

2006-06-06T19:50:31Z

i love all the changes that lj is making. it is sooo much more organized than other stuff and now it's going to be absolutely fab!

i'd like to say a few things that have popped up into my head.
-do ppl tan naked? that would answer a ton of questions concerning a certain pantzing which occurred not too long ago in the sophomore hallway.
-i miss my fetal pig.
-border terriers are sooo cuuttteee!
-i wonder how they get paper to become so smooth and white. isn't that so amazing?
-i love being a scorpio. i didn't realize it until yesterday but it kinda makes a stinging sound like it should. sCORpio. c? c?
-nothing wrong w/ finding the beauties in life! even though they make you sound like ur on something.

it's such a nice, bright, blue day. i bet our little freshman are having the time of their lives.

i cannot make it to the graduation but i'm sure that the seniors know that i love them dearly and hope that the future brings crazy and happy events.

well, aren't ur guys' prom today? well, juniors and seniors, have the time of your lives! take lots of pics pretty please :)

ummm i just realized that the only sophomores who actually post and read here is just the sgt. yeah well, to the sophomores who are not present here, i love them all too and hope that they don't go overboard on the liquor and drugs. yes. lovely...

ok, to the real message in this post:

one day, the sgt walked into a bar. at the same time, a princess walked into the bar and thought she saw a catlike human. he had six claws on each hand and six sharp teeth in his grin.

(ahem... you know what to do. if not, hint: manuscript.)

ragexands2love @ 2006-06-05T18:17:00

2006-06-06T00:52:00Z

ah the history exam. there's nothing really to say...

did i tell you that my hello kitty is clean now?

did i post up my regions hospital schedule?
mondays
6 AM - 8 AM transport team
8 AM - noon piano/violin
thursdays
6 AM - 8 AM materials management
8 AM - noon piano/violin
i can't wait to go back! i requested to arrive at 6, just so you don't think they're trying to kill me. i love mornings. this morning, i woke up at 4 and i looked out the window and gasped outloud because the sky was so gorgeous and pink and orange and yellow and it was simply amazing.

i've been depression-free for almost seven months but i think there's still something else wrong. all year, ms. barsky and dr. thompson and who knows what other teacher thinks that i have an anxiety problem on tests. i've reassured them that it's because i'm just purely stupid but then over the past few weeks, i've been watching how i've been doing on tests. i go into the room completely confident but as i get towards the middle of the test, i panic a bit but i ignore it and just keep going.

the thing is, i've been noticing other patterns of anxiety. i guess anxiety just became so much a part of my daily routine that i haven't really noticed it until now.

1. when i wake up, i start to worry about the things that i have to accomplish that day.
2. as soon as i get to school, i rush to my locker so i can finish my homework by the time it's time to go home. (this was back when we had regular school days.)
3. if the car clock is past 6:33 am, i get worried about not being able to finish enough homework by advisory.
4. i randomly shiver throughout the day and then i worry about life in general.
5. when i go to sleep, i can't go to sleep without thinking about the next day's tasks and getting angry at myself for the things i didn't do that day.
6. when i'm having a good moment, i'm all of a sudden hit by this rush of fear usually concerning my future.
7. during those scary moments, i suddenly ask myself a bunch of stupid questions like, "what if i never learn how to use a credit card?", "where am i going to live when i grow up?", "what if i can't choose what i want to do when i grow up?", "what if i live for too long and get tired of life?", and "what if i get depressed again?".
8. when i'm at home alone, i constantly look all around me to make sure there aren't burglars or ghosts around.
9. when i go to sleep in an empty house, i put the covers over my head because i don't want to open my eyes and see a burglar or ghost.
10. i'm always afraid to get paper cuts when i turn pages of music.
11. ever since el anuncio in spanish, i've been afraid of giving spanish presentations in spanish because i'm afraid that i'll break down like i did when giving el anuncio.
12. i can't walk past the counselor's office without being afraid that i'll have to walk in there again.
13. i'm afraid to sit out of class even with a headache because it reminds me how i used to be so afraid to go to classes.
14. i can't drink out of a water fountain without letting it run for five seconds or longer because of germs.
15. i can't use a public restroom without covering the seat w/ 4 layers of toilet paper.
16. i'm afraid of going into my basement because i'm afraid of going near any bugs or spiders.
17. i'm afraid to press the garage buttons every time i have to close or open the garage doors because there are always spiders near the things.
18. when i have scissors, a knife, a sharp pencil, a pin/needle in my hand, i'm afraid of stabbing someone but if i turn it so it faces me, i'm afraid of ramming into something or someone and stabbing myself.
19. sometimes, i think of my violin or bow falling down and breaking and once i think about it, i can't stop thinking about it. then my grip on my instruments gets tighter which is bad for my playing.
20. when i get a really good and nice looking book (example: postsecret book), i'm so afraid of bending corners or doing anything to it so i hold it like glass, even when i'm reading it.
21. i'm always afraid of cutting myself and not being able to stop bleeding. it happened before when i was little but it was a slit in my finger just the size of a paper cut except it wouldn't stop bleeding and my mom wasn't home and my dad was sleeping. i tried to wake him but he didn't care and i went downstairs and cried and prayed to God that it would stop bleeding while pressing on it with tissue. it took a while.

i'm sure that there are more things but i just haven't noticed them yet. most of the above seem like really simple things that everyone thinks about so hopefully i really don't have a problem. especially since i thought i was free from problems in life.

well, excluding the lack of parenting.

two things i really want to do this summer is babysit and petsit. petsit more than babysit because i admit, i like animals more than kids. that sounds bad, sry. i can understand them better though. i know that my neighbors will ask me to look after their dog when they visit their daughters out east. i think my other neighbors will ask if i can babysit their kids and they have a dog too. it's a huge one. i haven't seen it up close but it's really tall. (oo wah oo wah, cool cool kitty. tell us bout the boy from new york city! fine. nevermind.)

i used my borders personal spending day today so i'm happy for that.

after getting back home, i did some clean up and organized my books and shit. i want my brother to sell some of my old books. i want a little less clutter around here. too many books make me nervous. <-- see? but i mean, i'm sure clutter makes a lot of people nervous.

i wrote up a list of movies i want to see this summer. it ended up being 3 pages long (spiral notebook paper, didn't write on the back). i also want to read a lot of books but at the same time, i want to be able to actually practice violin and piano daily for once. and not just wimpy practice on violin. i haven't practiced for a month and before that, 2 months and before that, a few months. i'm not good at the whole dedication thing. but i REALLY WANT TO GET INTO SYMPHONY so i might up it to 2.5 hours. piano... well. i don't have any contests or anything and it's not like i practice a whole lot on that either so i'm planning to up it to 30 minutes a day. ahh. i sound horrible don't i?

i'm going to really miss being a sophomore and i'm really going to miss my fellow sophomores/juniors.

i'm going to miss going to english class, having 5th and 6th free, dissing the school orchestra, going to summit singers.

do people have book/movie/band suggestions? i want this summer to be really colorful so help me paint it! ;)

i want to type up a list of things that we should probably all do this summer:
1. watch the sun rise. by yourself and w/ a friend and then w/ someone who can learn from the experience.
2. go see a movie w/ a friend and group of friends and just yourself.
3. smile at strangers... always please.
4. sing as loud as you can outside. you should definitely do this more than just once.
5. dance like mad to a stupid song. worth it doing more than just once.
6. hold a baby.
7. spend time w/ a pet. (doesn't have to be your own. hell, i don't even own a pet.)
8. get shopping! even if it's just window shopping.
9. read a good book. preferably many books.
10. create something. a painting, a doll, a book, something!
11. write some poetry. it better be separate from 11.
12. always hold open a door for someone.
13. make someone a card or even better, write down a secret and send it to frank!
14. yeah, so you should go to the postsecret website every week.
15. ccaalll mmeee! i'll most likely be stuck at home w/ the voice of my mother in the background. ish.
16. scratch that, i'll have a car. sort of. which leads me up to my next one which is to take some pics of what's up and posting them so we know that you're still alive.
17. go to an art museum. i still have never gone to an art museum in my whole life and i know that i'm already missing a whole lot, but i will go this summer!
18. be there for your friends. but that's a constant.
19. if you're upset, let yourself feel upset just for a bit. that's a constant as well.
20. like always, make a ton of new friends!
21. watch the sunset. by yourself, w/ a friend, and w/ someone who can learn from the experience.

i probably write the longest entries ever.

my brain is made out of hello kitty intestines

2006-06-04T19:13:00Z

so here's a list. random random list. things you probably don't know about me yet.

-i have a new passion for white clothing.
-i can't wait until october 1st!
-i really don't like gold jewelry. i'll wear it to match it with the outfit but i really don't like it.
-if i ever get married, i want platinum for a wedding ring.
-i used to despise hello kitty, but ever since linnea gave me the hello kitty chain, i've loved hello kitty.
-i actually am afraid of sharing waterbottles and stuff like that but i try my best to get over it.
-my favorite city ever is vegas. most of you actually do know that.
-lately, i've been wishing that the apartment lease hadn't ended so i could still be away from my mom.
-i miss tv.
-i hardly ever see my dad and it's so much more relaxing.
-i love having the house all to myself because i can sing really loud.
-i sing at my very best at those times.
-i miss pom pons a lot.
-i've always planned that when i turn eighteen, i'm going to change my name to cadence goldendew and just get away from my parents and hopefully they'll leave me alone.
-i think that this week's postsecrets are much better than what they have been like for the past few weeks. www.postsecret.blogspot.com
-there's a difference between being mariel and being cadence.
-i don't talk about it as much but you can bet that i'm thinking about it all the time.
-i've been loving my cell phone more and more.
-i want to have my dad's cell.
-i'm overconfident about history and that's not a good thing at all.
-the pink bunny ears that i wore to that day-before-easter mys rehearsal stays in a wall pocket with the ears peeping out over. whenever i look at it, i remember walking through the symphony rehearsal and seeing the students look over and raise their eyebrows in shock and then i start laughing. i must do it again next year.
-it'd be nice to have a border terrier. really nice. more than nice. it'd be absolutely divine. if not, then a yorkshire terrier. those are so effing cute. especially the teacup ones.
-i hate gray and brown markers. they disgust me.

hold on tight. don't let go.
life's too short and then you'll never know.
what can happen and what cannot.
not so bad as you would have thought.
all things done will be history.
follow the path out of misery.
life. it will always be hard.
happiness always seems to be barred.
let out a little smile.
things will have to take a while.
wait longer out in the snow.
spring will come and flowers will grow.

the honors concert

2006-06-04T18:11:46Z

what a day. both sad and exciting. and i'm talking about yesterday btw.

so after my rehearsal which was around 4:30 pm, i was walking out of the bathroom and i ran into my piano teacher. she was wearing my favorite dress of hers. it was a white strapless dress with black polka dots and a pink ribbon across the waist. it had a rose pattern at the bottom. it's quite new. i love her fashion sense.

later, i waited outside on the steps for the concert to begin. after a while, i saw someone who could be emily but i wasn't so sure but as she got closer, i saw that it was her and i gasped really loudly so everyone around the steps stopped and turned to look as i ran madly over to emily. but as i was running over to her, she saw me and she tried running over to me and then we lost sight of each other until emily's mother saw where i was as i frantically looked all around to see where she had gone. we made a big show hugging and slightly shrieking. she looked absolutely fab in her black halter gown w/ silverish rhinestones. she also got her hair done and it was gorgeous! she introduced me to her cousin who i could've sworn i've seen before. she was wearing an aqua spaghetti strap gown. very pretty.

while talking on the steps of the palace aka northrup auditorium, we saw cinderella running out of the building and onto the steps where pitch had been spread.

obviously i made that part up and idk why i did. it just came to my head all of a sudden.

ok, so while talking on the steps, i saw a familiar blond haired guy walking up the steps. "emily, isn't that...? isn't that...? that one... that clarinet... that clarinetist...?" "where?"

i tried turning her to face him but she couldn't see him even though he was only a few feet away. he got to the top of the stairs. i said hey and he looked a bit surprised. yes. it was chris, the clarinetist of mys. yes, linnea. he did look dashing. jk.

well, i told emily that i had been told that lynn might have the solo which would be a big deal. at the honors concert, two soloists are chosen. these are the best high school pianists of minnesota. one on piano and one on organ would be playing. the pianists who play are seen to be like the absolute queens or kings of the concert because they are always amazing.

and here i randomly say that i saw david who goes to my church.

so we go the programs and emily grabbed my arm and said that lynn really was the soloist. my eyes grew wide and i flipped to the page where the soloist was listed. lynn!!!! omg!!!! she was the queen!!! btw, no one else calls it that just to let you know. that's just what it seems to me but it really is that big of a deal.

so then we started saying that this was so exciting and why didn't lynn tell us and it was odd how it didn't seem like such a big deal when lynn was saying that she was in the concert. well, now that lynn is an lj friend, YOU'RE NUTS! GEEZ! jk. but the other shock was that jessica hong was her teacher! i had her for a teacher back before she became well known but only for a few months because i was transitioning from one teacher to another but the new teacher wasn't ready yet so i had to take lessons from her for a while. also, when that new teacher moved away and i had to get another new teacher, i was going to take lessons from jessica hong but we couldn't locate her so instead, i took lessons from merrily. but i like merrily as a teacher so i definitely don't regret not being able to find jessica hong's contact info. it's weird though because emily and i have the same violin and piano teacher now but if i were taking lessons from jessica hong, then lynn and i would have the same violin and piano teacher. ahh. the world is small. just like how i met kei in 2nd grade in swimming and then ashlee in 4th grade in dance and then kei again in 5th grade in piano and lynn in violin in 4th (?) grade and then i found out that they all knew each other. oh, i can't forget about minna(h?). mys and violin teacher 05-06!

well, as the concert was starting, i went to a lady and asked if she knew where the soloist was sitting. "she's a friend of mine," i explained to her. the lady was wearing a knee length red fringed dress which had sequins and had a las vegas style. she led me from the green side of the hall to the pink side of the hall to the green side of the backstage to the lounge. well, lynn hadn't arrived yet so i went back to my group in the hall. we were going to go second to last in the program playing brazileira of scaramouche by... whatsisname? darius something? ok, well, as i was waiting for the concert to begin, i saw lynn's parents and family walking down the aisle but no lynn.

here i randomly say that i saw the choir director of my church.

ahhhh!!! but then towards the end of the concert, it was time for the soloist on the piano and i was sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to see lynn go up to that gorgeous steinway! what was it you played again? well, it was ravel which surprisingly i've never heard of. yes, i know. quite pathetic for a musician. but let me tell you all, IT WAS BRILLIANTLY DIVINE! lynn was wearing a blueish halter dress of... satin? it was beautiful. congratulations lynn!!!!!! 4,200 people tried out for the mmta thing. 43? people got in. lynn and the organ soloist were the best. wait, the organ soloist is part of the piano thing isn't she? what am i getting incorrect here, lynn?

here i randomly say that i saw grace and her sister who go to my church.

i waited an hour after the concert for my ride. my mother, yes. she was an hour late. sigh.

i should probably tell about some other little things that went on during the concert. to amuse myself, i looked through the program and read the last names of the performers. one of the last names was "watchmaker" and that reminded me of the fgt joke long ago: i wonder what his ancestors did to get that last name?

in one of the ensemble groups, there was a kid with the last name "son" and another kid with the last name "ma" and that cracked me up. i can be so pathetic sometimes. but what can you do?

there was another person w/ my last name.

oh, and first names. i'm sure linnea will like this one. there was someone w/ riboflavin's name. also, there were so many pianists and composers w/ the name that is similar to riboflavin's name but the name that i like best. yeah, this code system isn't working. the sgt has to have a meeting to come up w/ new codes. i might send out an sgt email unless we talk tomorrow. which reminds me to wish the spa-ers here good luck on the history exam tomorrow! that sounds as if i'm not taking it. oh, i am. i am indeed.

happy birthday to kiki! except she doesn't have an lj but no matters. happy bday!

more and more failure in their eyes

2006-06-03T00:21:04Z

oh great mom and dad. the actual thing that they would always go to, they aren't. so it's happened. i'm completely disconnected. they don't care about anything i achieve in whether it's academics or music. well, first academics. maybe that's why i stopped caring so much about it. whenever i did well, they didn't give a shit about it.

i didn't care until today when i thought about when my mom told me a few days ago that she wouldn't be going to my honors concert. the honors concert??? the one you would always be at?? yeah, i don't care about my parents that much anymore but the fact that they really actually have 100% given up in cheering me on... at least emily will be there.

(to linnea) isn't it weird that right after you were saying how much it sucked that my parents never come to things, this all of a sudden happens? it doesn't suck that it's my parents who are ditching their own daughter. it sucks that my parents are ditching their own daughter. see the difference? it really proves that i don't have a real family at all. and then my aunt and uncle have shifted their attention to my cousin from new york. completely. my brother, though he's kind, is just never there and we're more like distant friends. these days, we don't really talk about stuff because we just can't click anymore. he's really different now and i'm unable to understand the person he is anymore and he can't understand how i'm doing, although he grew up w/ my parents as well. my parents have changed since he left and i've changed and he's changed and everyone is changed.

well, let's count how many performances/ceremonies/achievements/etc my parents missed in my life.
1. a lot of piano recitals. they used to go when i was younger but now they just drop me off and pick me up an hour later.
2. same thing w/ violin recitals.
3. 1st in spelling bee in 4th grade.
4. solo in elementary school poetry slam in 5th grade.
5. all except two of my mys concerts including the one i was concertmistress in season 2001-2002.
6. elementary school choir concert w/ solo on piano.
7. honorable mention in elementary school invention project in 4th grade.
8. middle school concerts.
9. upper school concerts.
10. my eighth year in the mmta honors concert this year 2006.
11. girl scouts bridging ceremony to cadette (shuddup) in 6th grade.
12. friends project in 2nd grade.
13. communites project in 4th grade.
14. school talent show 6th grade.
15. musical 2006.
16. 3rd grade class musical.

alright. that's the end of me being a boastful-sounding bitch.

yeah, i just took a ten minute break and now i don't give about anything i've written above but the feeling will come back in a month so u might as well know.

ok, cadence. pull yourself together. i'm going to go read my redwall book.

♥ you all.

sssssummer daysssss

2006-06-02T21:10:41Z

i felt the most confident on my math exam although i know that i did the best on my spanish.

so some updates in life. hmm... ah yes. i finally blocked that weird guy who was im-ing me and telling me about his cat and dogs. he was a fake sweet kind of guy. because of that, he didn't bother me at first but when i finally caught on, i was definitely disgusted. if you don't know what i mean it's like this. some people try really hard to be sweet but the kindness isn't really there inside. i guess you could give it to them for trying but in the end, they're just being sweet just for selfish reasons.

and it's like, ok, why don't you go outside and meet people out there instead of bothering a random person online?

ah, but i'm one to talk, aren't i? ;)

kiki's bday on sunday. sophia's bday on the 9th. can't forget.

also, the class meeting today. not so fab. plus, my fellow sophomores were not smart by asking questions like, "what if we're at a party but we're not drinking or doing drugs? would we get in trouble?"

i love the sophomores but it's like, yeah. you just gave yourselves away smart asses. oh well. what can you do now?

plus, they were wasting my time! i just finished a MATH EXAM! that = time to go home and run around in freedom! that = my brother has to go to work. oh excuse me. he had to go to work especially since he's still new at his job. being late is not such a good thing when you get a new job.

and it's still 3:45 pm! i feel so alive!

i might go and rent a few movies for tonight although i should be studying for world history but we have some smart history students here. i'm sure you understand what i mean when i say that history...? psht! w/e. second on my easy-subjects list.

congrats to linnea on being jewishly confirmed. yes, i said jewishly.

alanna. those pigtail braids were muy muy chevere.

honors precalc friends: DAMMIT! I COULD'VE DONE THAT EXTRA CREDIT PAGE BUT WE RAN OUTTA TIME AND I COULD'VE GOTTEN SO MANY POINTS... well, maybe only 4 points but that still disappoints me.

so as i was coming back home nice and early, i saw woodbury students strolling about on the sidewalks and i remembered that lynn and kei told me that woodbury kids would be getting out june 1st. damn them. sigh.

oh well. one more exam to go! barely!

and i have my mmta honors concert tomorrow. and emily will be there!!!!!!! i definitely miss her! i have core friends. people who have helped me the most through a lot and are so much a part of me and would be greatly missed if i never saw them again. emily is for sure one of them.

i keep forgetting that ashlee has one of these things. hey, i can give you an lj thank you as well as a real life and myspace thank you: ahh! thnx for lynn's #! made my week!

random things that are coming to mind.
i haven't talked to my cousin, shinbee, since december.
i don't have tuberculosis. background info: i got my mantoux shot for hospital volunteer work.
clair de lune is actually amazing. i used to hate it until i started to actually get good at it.
i miss my emily!!!!
which leads me up to: censored.
i'm absolutely pathetic.
oh shite, it's four. idk why that makes me mad.
i can't wait until i have mr. leiter for math.
this restricted number keeps calling my cell.
i suddenly thought of 7th grade science w/ ms. mcbean. good and bad times.
aren't you all glad that i've stopped being a bitch? no, it was not pms you guys.

yeah, i'm going to practice some piano. i actually have started practicing again. woo!

when you can't feel the pain anymore

2006-05-30T01:35:32Z

i promise that this will be my last depressing post for a while.

i got a ride from lynn, one of my mys friends. she also gave a ride to kei, who is an old friend of mine. i hadn't seen her in 3-4 years so it was great to talk to her.

i saw leona, hannah, and minnah. they all got hugs.

i saw liam, wilder, tim, joel, and a dog. they did not get hugs. hehehe sorry.

er... you guys are probably wondering what happened but i made a deal w/ myself that i wouldn't post certain things here out of respect. you know.

lynn's bow broke in the middle of the concert. :(

2 kids got to conduct "stars and stripes".

i have a friend whose friend thinks manny is hot.

i saw claudette and talked to her for a bit. she is absolutely divine.

they only played 2 songs out of the four and i wouldn't have minded except that they didn't play "groove"! :(

emily came at the very end of the concert. i called her a total of 4 times today which is the funny part but it was mostly a sad meeting because i had to go and she had to go and we hadn't seen each other in such a long time and i absolutely love her (as a friend) and our lives have been so identical. so i'm really feeling down and she's really feeling down and we really need to have a talk about things going on in our lives but life isn't giving us the time to be best friends anymore.

but for the other thing. the other thing... the other thing...

numb.

when you walk out of the room and know that your last moment was just a moment ago.

broken.

when you softly thank your ride and walk up the driveway to the place you don't want to call home.

lost.

when you look down at your hand and see red lined bruises on your hand from absently pulling a bracelet on and off, on and off throughout the entire car ride.

alone.

when half of the people you've cared about the most are gone.

but i'm still very happy.

maybe God pitied me after i was yelling at him this afternoon when it started to rain over here in woodbury.

or maybe i've just realized how fortunate i am to have had so many things happen this school year.

but it's so hard to let go of things.

but it's time. isn't it?

no. it's too hard. for right now, it's all i know so i'll hold on until i know when it really is time.

and my stupid laptop is breaking apart.

ugh. come on cadence. get over it all.

after everything, there will be more of everything. life will keep rolling by.

in a story, there is no end.

agony that can cut like a knife

2006-05-29T03:59:22Z

well, emily emailed me. i'm happy to hear from her. as usual, our lives are parallel.

liam, you should meet emily. she'll be there at the concert tomorrow. idk if i can make it because of certain things... you guys know... that are going on.

ah well, no more of this. upbeat news now.

I JUST GOT A PERSONAL BORDER'S SPENDING DAY WOOO! except it's only 10% off all purchases. pshhht! come on! what kind of a spending day is that?

i actually really miss tv but like last summer, i'll go on a rerun craze to catch up w/ what's going on in everything. i'm so excited. ah me.

the following headline on msn.com did catch my eye:

Students charged over pot brownie prank
18 Texas school workers hospitalized due to marijuana-laced treats

i was going to turn it into a crazy madlib but then i saw the following at the bottom of the article:

© 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

oh poo. i hate it when they do that. damn world taking away all the fun.

but anyways, if you changed the city to st. paul and a few names to the sgt names, it would've been a fab madlib.

btw, i had the WEIRDEST dream about some guy dressed like V. i don't remember what happened but i just remember dying and looking up at him and then waking up and being like, "did i just turn into liam or linnea?"

ok, i do not like having dreams about strange masked men dressed in black capes and hats. y can't i have dreams about puffy white clouds and blue skies like that girl in our bio worksheet?

that's like how it makes me mad when God wastes long beautiful eyelashes on guys. come on now. there are many girls out there who could do w/ at least a mm of those eyelashes.

i still can't believe this school year is already ending!
i'm going to be a junior!
i still can't believe i'm a sophomore and now i'm going to be a junior!
idk if i am happy about this or really scared.

sgt --> jgt???

so remember when we went to that place before opening night and i said that as a little kid, i thought the robin hood fox in the disney version of robin hood was really good looking and then linnea accused me of bestiality? well, i was reviewing bio today and then i was suddenly reminded of that and i couldn't stop laughing for a million years and later when i was replying to emily's email congratulating her on her 6 awards and grand championship award w/ her horse thomas, i was saying how if thomas were human, he'd probably be a hot guy w/ a lot of charm and they would make a sweet couple. then i was reminded of the robin hood fox thing again and couldn't stop laughing for another million years.

also reminding me of THE FETAL PIG! cutesssttt thiing in the woorrlllddd!!! if you propped it up on its hind legs, it was so cute that it was just unbearable to look at it w/o wanting to hug it!

a more complete list of things i will be doing this summer:
1. yucatan mission trip.
2. driving!!! yes! all by myself!
3. working at regions on mondays and thursdays in the mornings.
4. writing a lot.
5. reading all of the "angus, thongs, and full frontal snogging" books.
6. clubbing w/ kiki and some others. yes, it really is planned. don't think i was kidding.
7. getting more cds now that i've found more bands i like.
8. preparing to get into symphony!

to do list over the summer:
1. really get to know 15 different people.
2. babysit for the first time ever.
3. make 100 strangers smile.
4. read 25 books.

hope list for the summer:
1. learn how to completely love life.
2. people will start to understand me, but that's a really hard thing to hope for.
3. my mom's voice will disappear. then i can just live in peace. maybe even happiness.
4. i won't turn into my mom. that would be the worst thing to ever happen. i'm never going to have kids or even adopt. what if i end up being just like her? i don't want anyone to ever go through what i had to.

btw, a few months ago, a new redwall book came out and i'm reading it now.(sort of. hard to do during exam time.) redwall fan now for four years.

i wish i could write a book but every time i try, i become tired of my plot. my cousin last year suggested that i write one about my extremely difficult life and it was a good idea but i tried and every single time i would get to a scary or intense part and then i would back down because it would bring up scary memories. one day i might be able to get past that fear but not now.